Clinton says Opioid Addiction Crisis is not her Fault

Speaking in front of the American Medical Association’s annual convention on Friday, former Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said she is not to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis. “As you can see in my new book, What Happened, I would have won the election if it weren’t for the incompetence of approximately 25 distinct groups and individuals,” Clinton said. “I had the right message, the right campaign, and ran at the right time.”

“If I was elected President of the United States we would not have an opioid addiction crisis—and you know I won the popular vote by millions,” Clinton continued. “One of my first acts after the inauguration would have been to legislate addiction out of mainstream America. Rather than deporting Mexicans and DREAMers, I would send drug addicts and junkies to Venezuela where they can get all the illicit drugs they want. President Trump, who, by the way is also to blame for my loss, has been soft on addiction.”

During a post-speech interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper pointed out to Clinton that nobody said she was to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis.

“Oh well you know, Anderson, they eventually get around to blaming me for everything so I just was being a little proactive, you know?” Clinton fired back.

“Mrs. Clinton, your book boldly accuses a number of groups for your surprise defeat,” Cooper said. “Do you feel that you may bear any blame for your loss?”

“You know, Anderson, I would have been America’s first openly gay president and I campaigned hard on LGBT issues,” Clinton said. “These days, it’s obvious that half of America is either gay or has some kind of celebrated perversion. The numbers are staggering. I feel that community also let me down. They’re so big in “coming out.” Yet, they did not come out in enough numbers for me. So, no, this is loss is none of my doing.”

“Mrs. Clinton, as you know, I am a gay man,” Cooper said. “In fact, I’m so gay that I’ve won numerous awards and recognitions for my lifestyle. I think I speak on behalf of the entire LGBT community in expressing gratitude for your pioneering work on our behalf. But I’m a little confused about your claim that you are openly gay. Could you elaborate?”

“Well, as you know, Anderson, Toni Morrison referred to my husband as America’s first black president, and obviously he’s Caucasian on the surface, but there’s no question he’s a black man on the inside,” Clinton said. “I’m obviously married to a male, but given Bill’s propensity to bone anything with a pair of breasts, my heart over time has become gay, and my pantsuits are a reflection of my transgender tendencies.”

“You go girl…er, boy!” Anderson exclaimed.

“Cash me ousside, how bow dat?” Clinton said, fist bumping Anderson before she broke into a high speed twerk against his crotch.

Clinton: I still Menstruate

Former Presidential Candidate Hints "It's Not Over 'Til It's Over"

Clinton announces she still menstruates

Former Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has a message for Americans: “I still menstruate.”

“It’s like clockwork, every 28 days on the button and usually lasts four or five days,” Clinton told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “And Lord help Trump if it happens during his inauguration. I’ll scratch his eyes out.”

“Can’t we talk about something else?” Cooper asked, wincing.

“Anderson, as an openly and boisterously gay man, one would think you would be more sensitive to issues females endure,” Clinton said.

“It’s not that I am insensitive. The topic is just a painful reminder that I was born with boy parts when inside I’m a lady,” Cooper replied, apparently holding back tears. “But enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute. Why the topic of menstruation?”

“Trump and the Russians have painted me in every conceivable negative way, even going so far as to calling me ‘Granny Clinton,’” Clinton said. “This was a purposeful attack to cause a schism between me and a younger generation of voters as it implies I no longer menstruate.”

“Well, the fact is, I still get my period. I still have mood swings as a result. Sometimes it comes on like a flood without warning. A prime example would be when I returned to one of the Democratic debates later than my male counterparts. I understand the challenges of being a professional lady aiming to break glass ceilings while trying to balance tampons and talking points,” Clinton said.

“So at the end of the day, it’s all about equality,” Clinton continued. “Though I did not win the presidency,  I will continue to fight for women to enjoy equal pay. That includes paid time off due to nasty menstrual cramps. Women have been exploited long enough, having to make up excuses when nature knocks. Well, I say enough is enough. We are going to put this issue to bed.”

“Speaking of bed and your ability to maintain youthful functions, will there perhaps be a baby Clinton crawling around now that you and Bill have been spending quality time alone in the romantic woodlands of Chappaqua?” Cooper asked.

“Not on my end. I’m done having babies although I cannot speak for Bill,” Clinton said.

“Hillary, one of the most shocking things about your loss is that younger women did not come out for you as expected,” Cooper said. “Analysts point out that you failed to connect not only with millennial women, but you also did not connect with suburban soccer moms. So could the reason that you are opening up about the fact that you still menstruate have anything to do with plans to run again in 2020?”

“You know, Anderson, I did win the popular vote by nearly 3 million votes,” Clinton said. “I’m not ruling anything out. But whatever I decide to do, I want American women to know that no matter what, I’m staying in this fight for them.”

“Not only would I bleed for them, I will bleed with them,” Clinton said.

Déjà Vu: It’s Those Damned Emails Again

Clinton Spotted Deleting Post-Election Emails

Earlier this month, Hillary Clinton was spotted alone at breakfast in upstate New York, clutching her phone with two hands, sad eyes gazing at its screen.

Sad eyes, turn the other way
I don’t want to see you cry
Sad eyes, you knew there’d come a day
When we would have to say “goodbye”

Minutes after the photo was tweeted, armchair psychologists across the U.S. determined how she was feeling (forlorn, obviously). After all, anyone who’s seen a friend go through a bad breakup knows the look well.

Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line? If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we, could we?

In addition to deleting batches of emails that piled up over the election, Hillary has soothed her spirit through a more wholesome, time-honored practice among carpet-bagging New Yorkers: a slow stroll in the woods. What better way to numb the pain caused by recent disappointments than hiking alongside eager picture-posting fans and a husband who happened to occupy the very position you lost?

And though the election was lost, recovery was bittersweet. A young mom and her baby had the opportunity to be photographed with the first woman to lose a presidential election. A grieving candidate was comforted knowing that those who voted for her were still with her. And of course, Bill being who he is, savored the moments of snapping photos of a hot young mom in yoga pants.

Lean on me, when you’re not strong, And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on …For it won’t be long… ‘Til I’m gonna need Somebody to lean on…

Bill Clinton: “No Fat Shaming and no Interns for me”

fat shaming and clinton women

Politics makes strange bedfellows – but it doesn’t get any stranger than a multigenerational threesome.

Hillary Clinton would like to put her husband’s infidelities behind her. But, allegations of Donald Trump’s fat shaming former beauty contestants have made bringing Monica Lewinsky out of the bedroom closet a matter of political convenience.

“My husband never discriminated against women of any shape, size, or sexual stamina,” Clinton said, enunciating in mockery, staaaaa-naaaah-maaah. “A mirror over our bed is the only glass ceiling Bill supports. But that mirror exists to promote, not demean women.”

“Bill will be too busy making America great again to be bimbo bouncing when I’m president,” Mrs. Clinton said.

Mrs. Clinton’s remarks come on the heels of her husband signing a pledge to tell her no lies and keep his hands to himself, fat shaming or not.

Bill Clinton has vowed a “hands-off-the-interns policy” in a Madame Clinton White House.

“I will not have sexual relations with those women,” Clinton said in a recent interview with Playboy Magazine. “Nor will I engage in any activity others might attempt to define as a sex act.”

A Playboy bunny bent over in front of Clinton to refill his teacup as he made the statement. His eyes bulged as he locked his gaze below her neck.

“Let’s clarify a key point because Republicans will be hanging on my every word in order to ‘get me’ once I become First Lady,” Clinton said. “I was elected president a quarter century ago. Back yonder, I was a young pup. I have since moved on to admiring women in their 40s including a few postmenopausal mommas.”

“Back then I did the Tube Steak Boogie, but I’m now into prime rib,” the former president said.

The interviewer pointed out to Clinton that he referred to himself as the eventual “First Lady” and suggested he meant “First Gentleman.”

“Who the hell you calling a gentleman?” Clinton exclaimed lunging at the interviewer in an attempt to grab him by the neck.

Realizing what he had done, Clinton calmly sat back down and gently apologized.

“Hillary and I support the LGBT movement even though we opposed those queers when I was president,” he said. “So we decided in honor of the transgenders across this great nation, I will assume the title of First Lady. But I did not engage in fat shaming then, nor will I now.”

“You know what that means, right?” Clinton snickered.

“It means I get to use any ole bathroom I please, just like they do at Target,” he said. “So when I’m at some fancy hotel and I see a cutie with that ‘come hither’ look about her go into the ladies room, I’m following after her!”

After the interview concluded, Clinton autographed several Playboy bunnies’ breasts, leaving nonchalantly with one bunny while humming Aerosmith’s “Love in an Elevator.”

Going down…” he sang to himself as the doors closed.

Clinton Banks on LGBT Currency

Americans will soon be able to withdrawal gay dollars at ATMs.

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton plans to continue her predecessor’s move to change the face of money.

Clinton announced during a recent campaign rally that she will put the final stamp of “all-inclusiveness” into American currency.

“If I am fortunate to be elected president, and I don’t see how I won’t be, I am going ask Treasury Secretary Lew to inscribe pioneers of the LGBT community both on dollars and coinage,” Clinton said.

Clinton granted CNN’s Anderson Cooper an exclusive interview about her proposal after the rally.

“As an openly gay man, I’m delighted that you intend to represent my community,” Cooper said, as he wiped a tear with his shirt cuff. “Which denominations you have in mind?”

“Well, Anderson, all my life I have heard homophobic members of Trump’s basket of deplorables refer to gays as ‘queerer than a three dollar bill,’’ Clinton said. “So my first target is to kill this insult by establishing a three dollar bill featuring a gay man.”

“I’m also targeting Ben Franklin, on the one hundred dollar bill,” she continued. “He reminds me too much of Trump: a fat philanderer who thinks he knows it all.”

“And on coinage?” Cooper asked.

“Washington,” Clinton said. “We don’t need him on the one-dollar bill and the quarter. “So since we can’t change the fact that he was the first president, we’ll leave him on the dollar, and scrap him on the quarter.”

When asked about candidates from the LGBT community she would like to put on coins, Clinton said she’s narrowing down to a short list.

“I am considering Robert Reed, the great gay man who portrayed Mike Brady,” Clinton said. “It just doesn’t get more American than the Brady bunch, now that the Cosby show can no longer be a consideration.”

“Your husband Bill might disagree with you on that point,” Cooper said. “So who ranks at the top of your list for lesbians?”

“Without question, Lizzie Borden,” Clinton replied. “Not only was she accused of heinous crimes she did not commit—something I can personally relate to—she was a lesbian at a time when women’s suffrage was getting its legs.”

“And Lizzie rhymes with lezzie, so what a fit is that?” Clinton said, squawking out a high-pitched bout of laughter.

“What an honor for the LGBT community,” Cooper said. “I know it would mean so much to my mom if I were nominated for gay currency.”

“Well, Anderson, one must be deceased before he or she can be inscribed on currency,” Clinton said. “You’d have to be a reporter for Fox News to be eligible during my presidency.”

 

Monica Lewinsky Donates Blue Dress to Smithsonian

 

lewinsky clinton

WASHINGTON, D.C.—More than two decades have passed since Monica Lewinsky was hired as a White House intern. After fulfilling that position, Lewinsky advanced her way up through the Clinton Administration as an employee of the White House Office of Legislative Affairs. During that time, President Clinton broadly interpreted Lewinsky’s responsibilities in “legislative affairs” to include engaging in executive affairs. Lewinsky gladly accepted, although that position would require her to begin from the ground up.

Lewinsky was delighted to perform all duties that came with the job, both covert and undercover. This led to longer and harder working hours to include evenings and weekends. As a result, the pair developed a personal relationship, although according to Mr. Clinton, he did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Clinton was not always an easy boss to work for, having a reputation for blowing his lid from time to time. During these incidents, he would often retire to the restroom in an effort to cool down and prevent from blowing up in the presence of his underling.

After one such incident, however, Clinton managed to leave traces of semen on a blue dress Lewinsky owned. That dress was entered into oral evidence and hard testimony during investigations held by Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr and became the focus of media reports and the butt of many jokes.

About a decade after Clinton’s impeachment, the government was forced to return Lewinsky her dress, which she has kept under lock and key in an undisclosed location. But because of the historical significance and magnitude of the article of clothing as it relates to Clinton’s prosecution, Lewinsky has recently agreed to release ownership of the dress to the Smithsonian Institution.

“Ms. Lewinsky feels that donating the dress to the Smithsonian is necessary to preserve an important element of American history,” said Lewinsky’s publicist Jennifer Caldwell.

On last week’s Meet the Press, Chuck Todd grilled Mrs. Clinton about the donation.

“This remains a deeply touchy issue for our family, and to this day I find it very hard to swallow that the Republicans aren’t behind this,” Mrs. Clinton replied.

‘The timing is at the very least suspect,” she said.

Hillary: Major Announcement

clinton trump

NEW YORK – Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton said she is in the final stages of adopting a campaign message.

Mrs. Clinton is expected to announce her message at a press conference before California primary voters hit the polls on June 7.

A recent Rasmussen report revealed the majority of likely General Election voters believe Clinton’s message is two part:

  1. “I’m running for president of the United States.”
  2. “Donald Trump is unfit to be president.”

“I’ve been supporting Hillary because she’s a woman,” said Marsha Rankin of Perth Amboy, New Jersey. “I am so excited to learn what her platform is. No matter what, I’m with her!”

Sources close to the Clinton campaign have hinted Clinton’s message will be threefold, aiming at the following issues.

  1. White Men Can’t Govern – Clinton is a firm believer that women are the stronger gender and that Caucasian men are “sexist, racist, and as seen on TV, stupid.” Clinton points out that her husband was the last white guy to have any sense at all and that he is expected to play an active role in the White House, far away from the interns.
  1. Bill Clinton Isn’t a Liability – Hillary will emphasize that her husband is not the “new Dan Quayle” and is totally capable of measuring curtains, cleaning bathrooms, and making the bed regardless with whom he last spent the night. Hillary will also rebut Republican frontrunner Donald Trump’s mantra that she was an enabler to Mr. Clinton’s sexual escapades. “I take offense that Donald Trump calls me an enabler. That rhetoric clearly demonstrates that Trump is sexist as I didn’t need Bill’s help in ruining any bimbo’s life.”
  1. Vote for me and not Trump – Mrs. Clinton plans to send a clear and compelling message that she would make a great president and that Trump would not. “Donald Trump is a sexist, bigot, and LGBT-ahobe and I’m none of those,” she said. “I have proof. The American people just don’t have the stomach for the likes of Trump. I’m likable enough.”

While it’s not clear exactly when Mrs. Clinton will make the announcement, she plans to evade further debates with Senator Sanders in the interim.

Hillary: Bill Clinton will serve with me

 

Bill-Hillary-Clinton-725x375

As Senator Bernie Sanders has mounted a serious threat to her candidacy, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said that if she were elected, her husband, former U.S. president Bill Clinton, would have a role in the White House.

During a rally in Fort Mitchell, Kentucky, Clinton announced the role she had in mind, ending speculation that Mr. Clinton would manage White House interns.

“I’m going to put my husband in charge of revitalizing the economy, cause you know he knows how to do it,” Clinton told supporters and hecklers.

Clinton made similar remarks earlier this month in Kentucky, a state where Bill Clinton remains popular among working class inbreds.

“I’ve told my husband he’s got to come out of the retirement closet and be in charge of this because you know he’s got more ideas a minute than anybody I know,” she said, while talking about manufacturing, jobs, and the adult film industry.

Over the course of the campaign, Clinton has repeatedly said she would seek her husband’s advice if she takes office, displaying a sheer lack of confidence in her own abilities.

Last month on ABC’s “The View,” she said, “I hope he’ll have a lot of involvement in starting the economy to really take off.”

View host Whoopi Goldberg asked Clinton if she was implying that President Obama damaged the economy.

“You know, Whoopi, I’m the reason gas prices fell to normal levels and Trump’s the reason they are rising,” Clinton replied. “We just can’t have a white guy in the Oval Office anymore, but we sure can use them as advisers and servants.”

Presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump laughed off Clinton’s announcement.

“Clearly Crooked Hillary is getting nervous as demonstrated by her evoking the ghost of Bill’s way back presidency,” Trump said. “The only job Bill is qualified to hold is Enabler in Chief, and Hillary knows that.”

Former President Bill Clinton could not be reached at press time as he was attending a fundraiser at a strip bar, according to his publicist.

Bill Clinton: “My wife’s life matters—you thugs!”

clinton black lives

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton was involved in a heated exchange with Black Lives Matter protesters Thursday at a Hillary Clinton campaign event in Philadelphia where some people say his “true colors” came shining through.

For 15 minutes, Clinton sparred with protesters who were a bit peeved about the 1994 reform bill he signed into law as president that increased prison sentences for gang-related offenses. Black Lives Matter activists claim the bill disproportionately hurt those who work hard trying to make it in a gang.

A visibly agitated Clinton told the protesters that the bill helped crack down on gangs who were killing African-American children.

“Shut your cotton pickin’ mouths!” Clinton admonished. “You know darn well Oprah called me America’s first black president. I talked to a lot of African-American groups. My best friend is black. My son is black. I’m not going to be targeted by you thugs when I have done all I can to help your pathetic butts only to get this ingratitude.”

One protester yelled that “black youth are not super predators” – a reference to a statement Hillary Clinton made as first lady. The former president shot back pointing his finger in a condescending manner.

“I don’t know how you would characterize the gang leaders who got 13-year-old kids hopped up on crack and sent them out onto the streets to murder other African-American children, maybe you thought they were good citizens, you stupid dolt!” Clinton said, his face turning increasingly red. “She didn’t. Y’all a bunch of thugs.”

“You are defending the people who killed the lives you say matter.  Are you smoking crack cocaine or something?  You are defending the people who cause young people to go out and take guns,” Clinton yelled. “Their lives don’t matter a hill of beans to me and they shouldn’t to you. Remember, I was president and you probably don’t even have a job. You need to stop your protesting nonsense and find some decent work. McDonalds is always hiring.”

He also addressed claims by the protesters that the 1996 welfare reform bill increased poverty among African-Americans.

“They say the welfare reform bill increased poverty then why did we have the largest drop in African American poverty in history when I was president?” he asked rhetorically. “If it weren’t for me, you’d be panhandling for your daily bread. So stop your complaining because that dog ain’t gonna hunt no more.”