NFL Players to Honor LGBT Community on Both Knees

Following the widespread media coverage pro athletes throughout the NFL attracted over the past few weeks, free agent Colin Kaepernick is calling on players to once again “take a knee” — this time in support of the LGBTQ community.

“I am calling on every NFL player, coach, and team player to get on both knees and lock arms during the national anthem in support of the LGBTQ community,” Kaepernick said at a press conference in San Francisco.

The press event was held at “The Stud,” a five-star gay nightclub, which the birthplace of the legendary drag show “Trannyshack.”

During the press conference, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Kaepernick what motivated him to call on players to stand behind the LGBTQ community.

“I’m not taking any homophobic heckling in the form of questions until I am done speaking, so why don’t you sit down and shut up?” Kaepernick quipped.

“Excuse me, sir, but I happen to be a celebrated gay man and Gloria Vanderbilt’s son, so not only am I gay, I grew up surrounded by the world’s most refined homosexual and lesbian role models of our time,” Cooper said.

“Sorry man, I was just trying to imitate President Trump, but I guess you just didn’t get the joke,” Kaepernick said. “But you asked a fantastic question. Really terrific. The reason why I am calling on everyone to take both knees and lock arms to support gay guys like you is simple: I got a real kick out of watching everyone follow my legacy over the past few weeks. I mean, people are like sheep. They really do have that herd mentality, and nobody wants to be on the outside, you know?”

“So, I’m going for the gays,” Kaepernick continued. “They are like the hot trend right now. Everybody is either gay or wants to be gay. It’s the in thing. Or, on a good night, the in and out thing.”

“And when you think about it, the gay man has been oppressed for too long,” Kaepernick continued. “It’s time someone knelt down and did something nice for him…and I don’t mean in the way he’s used to having that done. Anderson, can you imagine on Sunday, you’re spooning with your partner, or whatever you are calling each other these days, and you see all these NFL people on their knees in your honor?”

Oh I like it, like it, like it,” Cooper shouted out with glee.

“What a funky lady!” Kaepernick responded, hip-bumping Anderson.

“Colin, I’d like to make a special request, if I may,” Cooper said. “I love the idea of taking a knee, especially since two knees will be involved. But could we also add ‘take a shower?’ I would love if everyone would just do another encore after the game by kneeling and locking arms in the shower. I promise to give the guys special coverage.”

Sources close to Kaepernick indicate the quarterback ran from the press conference, gripping his hair, muttering repeatedly, “God help me, what have I done?”

Clinton says Opioid Addiction Crisis is not her Fault

Speaking in front of the American Medical Association’s annual convention on Friday, former Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said she is not to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis. “As you can see in my new book, What Happened, I would have won the election if it weren’t for the incompetence of approximately 25 distinct groups and individuals,” Clinton said. “I had the right message, the right campaign, and ran at the right time.”

“If I was elected President of the United States we would not have an opioid addiction crisis—and you know I won the popular vote by millions,” Clinton continued. “One of my first acts after the inauguration would have been to legislate addiction out of mainstream America. Rather than deporting Mexicans and DREAMers, I would send drug addicts and junkies to Venezuela where they can get all the illicit drugs they want. President Trump, who, by the way is also to blame for my loss, has been soft on addiction.”

During a post-speech interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper pointed out to Clinton that nobody said she was to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis.

“Oh well you know, Anderson, they eventually get around to blaming me for everything so I just was being a little proactive, you know?” Clinton fired back.

“Mrs. Clinton, your book boldly accuses a number of groups for your surprise defeat,” Cooper said. “Do you feel that you may bear any blame for your loss?”

“You know, Anderson, I would have been America’s first openly gay president and I campaigned hard on LGBT issues,” Clinton said. “These days, it’s obvious that half of America is either gay or has some kind of celebrated perversion. The numbers are staggering. I feel that community also let me down. They’re so big in “coming out.” Yet, they did not come out in enough numbers for me. So, no, this is loss is none of my doing.”

“Mrs. Clinton, as you know, I am a gay man,” Cooper said. “In fact, I’m so gay that I’ve won numerous awards and recognitions for my lifestyle. I think I speak on behalf of the entire LGBT community in expressing gratitude for your pioneering work on our behalf. But I’m a little confused about your claim that you are openly gay. Could you elaborate?”

“Well, as you know, Anderson, Toni Morrison referred to my husband as America’s first black president, and obviously he’s Caucasian on the surface, but there’s no question he’s a black man on the inside,” Clinton said. “I’m obviously married to a male, but given Bill’s propensity to bone anything with a pair of breasts, my heart over time has become gay, and my pantsuits are a reflection of my transgender tendencies.”

“You go girl…er, boy!” Anderson exclaimed.

“Cash me ousside, how bow dat?” Clinton said, fist bumping Anderson before she broke into a high speed twerk against his crotch.

Pat The Cat Not Sure Which Litter Box To Use

Male Cat Caught Peeing in Female’s Box

ROLLA, MISSOURI — As the national debate rages on about how equal rights should apply to the transgender community, a Siamese cat named Pat is wondering where he fits in.

“Pat the Cat,” as he is affectionately nicknamed, is neutered. The McMillan family who lives in Rolla, Missouri rescued Pat from a shelter three years ago.

While tearing up the newspaper, Pat the Cat saw an article about whether transgendered high school students should be permitted to use whichever restroom or locker room they please.

Distracted by a bird that flew by the kitchen window, Pat the Cat left the shredded newspaper on the floor for the McMillans to clean up as he perched on the counter to watch his prey.

Pat is the only neutered pet of the McMillan’s five cats. The other cats consist of two males and two females, one of which is pregnant.

A few hours later, Pat had to pee. His tail erect, he made his way to the litter box underneath the stairs. Pat had gravitated toward that box since he was adopted, as did the other two male cats. The female cats typically used the litter box in the laundry room.

As he rounded the corner, it hit Pat like a whiff of catnip: Pat became super-aware that he no longer had some of his male parts.

Pat the Cat became confused.

“Pat began scratching at the door to go out like our dog Simon,” said Trey McMillan, Pat’s owner. “It took us awhile to catch on, but after watching Pat for a few days, we noticed he would not use his own litter box. He also started pacing back and forth in front of the girl cats’ litter box, so we called the vet.”

Rolla Animal Hospital referred the McMillans to a nearby pet psychologist who quickly determined Pat was suffering from an identity crisis.

“Because your cat is neutered, she feels that she is now a female, and therefore should be using the female litter box,” said Dr. Keaton.

“You mean ‘he’,” Mr. McMillan said, correcting the doctor.

“No, I meant ‘she’,” the doctor replied. “Your family needs to accept Pat’s change in life regardless of what her birth certificate says. Begin by referring to Pat as “her” and “she.” Have a talk with your family and the other cats about acceptance and love.

“We just didn’t know what we didn’t know,” McMillan told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “Our family has always been very accepting of others, basically because we are spineless. But standing for nothing always got us by. Better to go with the flow than get your nose punched in.”

Holding back tears, Cooper told the McMillans that he too sometimes questions his identity and was proud of the family for being so tolerant of Pat the Cat’s life change.

While the McMillans quickly accepted Pat’s new identity, the other cats were not ready to do so.

Miffie, the pregnant cat, protested that if Pat were allowed to tinkle about the girl’s litter box, there would be nothing to prevent other male cats from doing the same.

“Devious tomcats will pretend they believe they are girl cats trapped inside male bodies so they can get access to our kittens,” she meowed.

The American Trans-Pussy Cat Association issued a statement rebuffing Miffie’s complaint.
“There is no evidence pointing to the fact that males will pretend to feel they are trans-pussies so they can get into kitties’ boxes,” the statement read. “The kind of hatred espoused by Miffie can no longer be tolerated.”

The Trans-Pussy lobby is supporting legislation that will mandate harsh criminal penalties for anyone who tries to keep male cats out of female pussycat facilities “under the guise of protecting mother cats and their young.”

Brokaw on Millennials: Dumbest Generation

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In light of what he calls “Campus Crybabies”–college students mourning Clinton’s loss–legendary news anchor, journalist and best-selling author Tom Brokaw announced today that he has signed a multimillion dollar deal with Random House Books.

Random House said in a statement that the book will serve as a sequel to The Greatest Generation, and will be based on “Millennials” and the role they play in reshaping American History.

Millennials are Dumb

“The manuscript’s working title is The Dumbest Generation, which I believe will remain as the permanent title as it is fitting in so many regards,” Brokaw said in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“Although this has been in the works since the summer, I’ve been mostly inspired by the ‘Campus Crybabies’ who cannot accept Trump won the election,” Brokaw said.

“This breakdown is clearly a reflection on Millennials’ lack of values. For example, Anderson, you received widespread acceptance when you announced you are gay, correct?” Brokaw asked Cooper.

“Correct, the Millennials tweeted me congratulations to the moon and back,” Cooper replied with a slight blush. “In fact, I earned a Certificate of Merit signed by Barack and Michelle Obama for my work in letting people know I prefer naked men to women of any kind.”

“And that’s one of the key points of my upcoming book,” Brokaw continued. “As we see in my book the Greatest Generation, America’s greatest moments and victories were the result of us standing together united through moral principles. Fast-forward a few decades and you announce you’re a flaming homosexual and the not only did the Millennials come out of the woodwork to praise you, the President of the United States and the First Lady gave you a certificate of merit.”

“Your point is?” Cooper asked.

“My point is you’re a celebrated queer, and such outward rebellion against our most important principles indicate a clear shift of America’s morals and our impending global decline,” Brokaw said.

“You know if we weren’t taping right now, I’d have half a mind of slamming you where the sun doesn’t shine,” Cooper said.

“Well it’s good to see that you still have some manliness about you, but good luck to you and your so-called ‘partner’ in getting pregnant,” Brokaw said

“That leads us to our next topic,” Brokaw said.

“Hold on a minute! I’m conducting this interview!” Cooper said.

“You’re right, and I beg your pardon. After so many years of being on top of the ratings while you jockeyed backstage humping producers’ legs, I kind of forgot the baton has been passed and that it’s now your turn. I’m just a little concerned what kind of plans you have for the baton if you know what I mean,” Brokaw said.

“That’s a good one,” laughed Cooper. “In honor of your service to our industry, I’ll go ahead and defer the next question to you.”

Brokaw on Transgenders

“Thanks, Anderson,” Brokaw said. “What is your position on transgenders using public bathrooms that correspond to which gender they feel inside—another right Millennials believe in?”

“I might be gay, but I’m not a nut, and I’m also not writing your damn book, mind you,” Cooper said. “But I got to say this: can you imagine walking into a men’s room at Target and some big fat lady is squatting over a urinal like a dog peeing on a fence?”

“You said it before you read it!” Brokaw chuckled, patting Cooper on the knee.

Brokaw and Anderson Agree Millennials are Hopeless

As the conversation moved passed sexuality, the two journalists displayed more common feelings towards Millennials and their belief systems.

“Tom, why do you suppose so many Millennial males sport unkempt hair, scraggly beards, or ‘man buns’ and correspondingly, Millennial women sport unwashed hair and wear yoga pants regardless of how much cellulite is left free to jiggle?” Cooper said.

“You articulate it very well,” Brokaw said. “A radical outward shift in style often indicates a culture’s shift in beliefs, values, and morals. There is no question that much of what made post-war America great as demonstrated in The Greatest Generation has been rejected and negated by Millennials, whom we can rightfully label the Dumbest Generation as proved by their belief that:

  • Water comes from bottles
  • Taking selfies is not photography; it’s an act of art
  • People over 18 without tattoos suffer serious physical and mental defects
  • The number of “likes” one receives per social media post is indicative of his or her self-worth

Millennials Impact on the Future 

“What do you suppose this means for the future generations, especially the generation Millennials will spawn?” Cooper asked.

“Every generation worries about the next, but somehow we seem to figure it out, survive, and make great advancements,” said Brokaw. “But what we are witnessing this time is something far different than a natural evolution. Before Hillary and Wasserman Schultz stole the primary from him, Senator Sanders coined it right: this is a revolution. Think about it—this is a generation born in a time of unprecedented prosperity. Millennial children were spoiled senseless—pampered and babied by parents and even their educators. ”

“By God, it takes a village to mother a millennial!” Brokaw added.

“That leaves us with an important question,” Cooper said. “Now that the Millennials are taking over the workforce, can we rightfully expect them to suddenly become responsible engaged citizens in a self-governing land once they reach voting age?”

“It is obvious they cannot,” Brokaw concluded. “This generation of spoiled ding-dongs will lead to a civil war that will forever change the world, outlaw any food with GMOs, and require government-subsidized tattoos and condoms for anyone earning less than someone they know.”

Clinton: Trump Will Be A Great President

Former Opponent Says Trump Won Election "Fair and Square"

Chappaqua, NY–Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told the press that “Trump will be a great president,” during a fireside chat in one of her luxurious Chappaqua home sitting rooms, where she often pontificates the plight of those who lack “White Privilege.”

“Furthermore, Donald won the election fair and square,” she added. “It’s time we stop whining and start winning by acting as a united nation, not a divided menagerie. We could have changed the law regarding the Electoral College 16 years ago, but we did nothing. That’s what cost me the election. Not James Comey. Not the Russians. Not ‘fake news.’ Not Mariah Carey.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta asked Clinton, “Mrs. Clinton, why the 180? The change of heart? This makes no sense relative to what you’ve been saying since your loss.”

“Jim, why don’t you shut your bloody mouth?” Clinton said. “I think we all can agree Donald has silenced your fake news-generating butt and you better do as told.”

Clinton took a softer tone in a separate interview with Anderson Cooper due to her long-term commitment of one year not to insult homosexuals.

“It boils down to this, Anderson,” she said. “Most people who see this article are going to flap their gums after reading only the headline. They’re too lazy to read the article and will trust the headline to tell the whole story. Half of those idiots will forward it to all their friends on social media, expecting them to do the reading.”

“You don’t say,” Cooper said.

“I do say,” Clinton said.

“A bunch of headline readers who think they’re so clever will post stuff like, ‘I call B.S.’ or ‘Fake News’!” Clinton continued. “The deplorables will blame my supporters and post something about ‘libtards'”, a very intelligent remark itself. And my supporters and abortionists will post something hateful about Trump’s people making up more lies.”

Clinton then took a swipe at those who read past the headline.

“Of those who read past the headline, a number will also claim the article is fake news because they are too stupid to know the difference between satire, which is humor, and fake news, which is fabricated lies meant to harm,” Clinton said.

“Hundreds will hit the “like” button or some other emoticon little people use to express themselves along with those who comment, sending this article viral,” Clinton said. “Of those, maybe 10 will actually take the time to read it.”

“So you see, dear reader, who made it this far,” Clinton said, “Perhaps this is why I lost the election. Perhaps this is why the Russians and other foreign governments so easily hacked into my server when I was Secretary of State. And perhaps this is why the rest of the world hates us: we are a nation of jackasses.”

“Given that he will be governing a nation of such simpletons, there is no question that Trump will make a great president,” Clinton said. “He can only go up from here.”

Clinton: I still Menstruate

Former Presidential Candidate Hints "It's Not Over 'Til It's Over"

Clinton announces she still menstruates

Former Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has a message for Americans: “I still menstruate.”

“It’s like clockwork, every 28 days on the button and usually lasts four or five days,” Clinton told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “And Lord help Trump if it happens during his inauguration. I’ll scratch his eyes out.”

“Can’t we talk about something else?” Cooper asked, wincing.

“Anderson, as an openly and boisterously gay man, one would think you would be more sensitive to issues females endure,” Clinton said.

“It’s not that I am insensitive. The topic is just a painful reminder that I was born with boy parts when inside I’m a lady,” Cooper replied, apparently holding back tears. “But enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute. Why the topic of menstruation?”

“Trump and the Russians have painted me in every conceivable negative way, even going so far as to calling me ‘Granny Clinton,’” Clinton said. “This was a purposeful attack to cause a schism between me and a younger generation of voters as it implies I no longer menstruate.”

“Well, the fact is, I still get my period. I still have mood swings as a result. Sometimes it comes on like a flood without warning. A prime example would be when I returned to one of the Democratic debates later than my male counterparts. I understand the challenges of being a professional lady aiming to break glass ceilings while trying to balance tampons and talking points,” Clinton said.

“So at the end of the day, it’s all about equality,” Clinton continued. “Though I did not win the presidency,  I will continue to fight for women to enjoy equal pay. That includes paid time off due to nasty menstrual cramps. Women have been exploited long enough, having to make up excuses when nature knocks. Well, I say enough is enough. We are going to put this issue to bed.”

“Speaking of bed and your ability to maintain youthful functions, will there perhaps be a baby Clinton crawling around now that you and Bill have been spending quality time alone in the romantic woodlands of Chappaqua?” Cooper asked.

“Not on my end. I’m done having babies although I cannot speak for Bill,” Clinton said.

“Hillary, one of the most shocking things about your loss is that younger women did not come out for you as expected,” Cooper said. “Analysts point out that you failed to connect not only with millennial women, but you also did not connect with suburban soccer moms. So could the reason that you are opening up about the fact that you still menstruate have anything to do with plans to run again in 2020?”

“You know, Anderson, I did win the popular vote by nearly 3 million votes,” Clinton said. “I’m not ruling anything out. But whatever I decide to do, I want American women to know that no matter what, I’m staying in this fight for them.”

“Not only would I bleed for them, I will bleed with them,” Clinton said.

Trump to Take Presidential Gap Year

NEW YORK — President-elect Donald Trump announced at a press conference that he plans to take a “gap year” before occupying the White House.

“It’s the right thing to do,” Trump said. “I’ve enjoyed many, many years as a successful billionaire business tycoon. It’s going to take time to transition to a low paying job, and I want to do it the right way.”

“So, basically, you plan to be an absentee president?” CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked.

“Anderson, you’re a flaming homosexual, but you don’t hear me calling you names, do you?” Trump said. “I think you owe me a little tolerance, as your ilk would say. For heaven’s sake, I’ve got a country to run.”

“Mr. President-elect, I did not mean to offend you,” Cooper continued. “But the fact is, you plan to take off to one of the islands you own right after you’re sworn in as president. You will, in fact, be absent from the White House.”

“You want to know what an absentee president is? Look at Obama,” Trump replied. “For the past eight years, this country has been without leadership while that guy and his family spent $815 million in taxpayer money on monthly vacations. I will get more done in one year tweeting from the beach than Obama accomplished during his entire presidency.”

“And speaking of Obama,” Trump continued, “his daughter Malia has taken a gap year before she heads off to college. I don’t see the media giving her a hard time over her decision. It’s the right thing to do when undergoing a major life change.”

The press conference quickly concluded as the bewildered media pool could think of no further questions.

Clinton: “I’ll Scratch Comey’s Eyes Out!”

clinton_comey

FORT MEYERS, FL — FBI Director James Comey’s letter to Congress regarding an unexpected development in his agency’s investigation of Hillary Clinton’s email server has set off a firestorm in the Clinton campaign.

And, with just days to go, Mrs. Clinton is sparing no words.

“Republican Comey thinks his sensationalism and inferences can mobilize undecided inbreds and rednecks from Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and the like to vote for Trump, but he has another thing coming,” she said.

“The presidency is no longer an all-boy’s club, and I can play just as tough as Comey and his buddy Trump,” Clinton told a cheering crowd at a Florida rally.

“I’ll scratch Comey’s eyes out faster than Trump’s wife can plagiarize Michelle Obama,” Clinton added.

During a post-rally interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Clinton if she was advocating violence against Comey.

“You know, Anderson, Comey started this nonsense,” Clinton said. “The American people want a president who is both experienced and respected throughout the world. I’m the man for the job.”

“Woman,” Cooper corrected.

“Well, yes, but I was just showing deference to your status as a celebrity homosexual,” Clinton said. “I feel your pain, your angst, and your frustrations. I will be America’s first LGBT president as my husband was America’s first black president as Toni Morrison named him.”

Trump was quick to weigh in on Clinton’s threat to scratch out Comey’s eyes.

“People should take Crooked Hillary’s comments very seriously as she and her husband Bill are pros at qualifying their enemies for postage stamp status,” Trump said.

“If she’s elected, she’ll take down the second amendment,” Trump said, checking a laminated U.S. Constitution cheat sheet to ensure he referenced the correct amendment. By the time she disarms innocent Americans, everyone will have to resort to eye scratching in order to defend their families against intruders,” Trump added.

 

When asked about Clinton’s attack on Melania, Trump quipped, “I’m married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Hillary is a sweat hog momma with a face like a gent. No wonder Bill’s get up and go got up and went everywhere other than near her.”

Cooper reportedly left the set shaking his head muttering, “I’m getting too old for this crap.”

Clinton Banks on LGBT Currency

Americans will soon be able to withdrawal gay dollars at ATMs.

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton plans to continue her predecessor’s move to change the face of money.

Clinton announced during a recent campaign rally that she will put the final stamp of “all-inclusiveness” into American currency.

“If I am fortunate to be elected president, and I don’t see how I won’t be, I am going ask Treasury Secretary Lew to inscribe pioneers of the LGBT community both on dollars and coinage,” Clinton said.

Clinton granted CNN’s Anderson Cooper an exclusive interview about her proposal after the rally.

“As an openly gay man, I’m delighted that you intend to represent my community,” Cooper said, as he wiped a tear with his shirt cuff. “Which denominations you have in mind?”

“Well, Anderson, all my life I have heard homophobic members of Trump’s basket of deplorables refer to gays as ‘queerer than a three dollar bill,’’ Clinton said. “So my first target is to kill this insult by establishing a three dollar bill featuring a gay man.”

“I’m also targeting Ben Franklin, on the one hundred dollar bill,” she continued. “He reminds me too much of Trump: a fat philanderer who thinks he knows it all.”

“And on coinage?” Cooper asked.

“Washington,” Clinton said. “We don’t need him on the one-dollar bill and the quarter. “So since we can’t change the fact that he was the first president, we’ll leave him on the dollar, and scrap him on the quarter.”

When asked about candidates from the LGBT community she would like to put on coins, Clinton said she’s narrowing down to a short list.

“I am considering Robert Reed, the great gay man who portrayed Mike Brady,” Clinton said. “It just doesn’t get more American than the Brady bunch, now that the Cosby show can no longer be a consideration.”

“Your husband Bill might disagree with you on that point,” Cooper said. “So who ranks at the top of your list for lesbians?”

“Without question, Lizzie Borden,” Clinton replied. “Not only was she accused of heinous crimes she did not commit—something I can personally relate to—she was a lesbian at a time when women’s suffrage was getting its legs.”

“And Lizzie rhymes with lezzie, so what a fit is that?” Clinton said, squawking out a high-pitched bout of laughter.

“What an honor for the LGBT community,” Cooper said. “I know it would mean so much to my mom if I were nominated for gay currency.”

“Well, Anderson, one must be deceased before he or she can be inscribed on currency,” Clinton said. “You’d have to be a reporter for Fox News to be eligible during my presidency.”

 

CNN Won’t Endorse Trump

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CNN President Jeff Zucker announced the Cable News Network will not endorse Donald Trump for U.S. President.

Zucker stopped short of indicating whether CNN will endorse Hillary Clinton.

The news came as a surprise to CNN insiders, political analysts, and viewers.

“I am disappointed in our decision not to endorse Trump,” CNN’s Anderson Cooper said. “I met a lot of gay men at the Republican Convention and had a few wild nights back at the hotel as a result. That would never have happened if one of the establishment Republicans The Donald wiped out were the nominee.”

“Most of all, I was deeply moved when Trump addressed the LGBTQ community,” Cooper continued. “And to be honest, I wept with joy when PayPal founder Peter Thiel spoke. I wouldn’t do him personally, but I was moved to see a flaming homosexual at the podium put another crack in the pink ceiling.”

Trump himself seemed taken back by the announcement.

“Here we go again, more media corruption from the top,” Trump said. “But what the hell does their endorsement mean when they give me all the coverage I want? I could moon someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and CNN would still cover me.”

CNN veteran Wolf Blitzer was also stunned at the announcement.

“Donald is a decent man regardless of how I spin my work against him,” Blitzer said. “He has never made fun of my hideous eyeglasses, and I get a kick out of his grandchildren playing with my beard.”

A response from the Clinton campaign revealed jubilance.

“Knowing CNN will not endorse Trump is, in his own words, ‘huge’,” the statement from the campaign said. “We believe this will result in fairer and balanced coverage, which will be advantageous in helping people see Mrs. Clinton in a more positive light. She’s really not a bad person, all things considered.”

Fox News Channel’s O’Reilly Factor host Bill O’Reilly said he believes CNN never intended to endorse Trump. Zucker declined an invitation to discuss the issue on the O’Reilly Factor.

“It’s nothing political, I just can’t stand Irish skirt chasers,” Zucker’s rejection letter said.

O’Reilly is being accused of sexual harassment.

“A guy my age has no time for one-liners and the motions of courtship,” O’Reilly said. “Zucker can take his Grey Poupon and shove it up his you-know-what.”

Clinton Birther Fury: “I’ll Scratch Trump’s Eyes Out!”

Clinton Threatens to Scratch out Trump's Eyes

PERTH AMBOY, NJ — Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump recently accused Hillary Clinton of starting the “birther” rumor that says Barack Obama was not born in the United States.

“Clinton started the birther movement and I ended it,” Trump told reporters.

Clinton quickly pounced on Trump’s remarks with unbridled fury.

“Trump thinks his birther lies can mobilize inbreeds and rednecks from Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and the like, but he has another thing coming,” she said.

“The presidency is no longer an all-boy’s club, and I can play just as tough,” Clinton told a cheering crowd at a New Jersey rally.

“I’ll scratch his eyes out faster than his wife can plagiarize Michelle Obama,” Clinton added.

During a post-rally interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Clinton if she was advocating violence against Trump.

“You know, Anderson, Donald started this nonsense,” Clinton said. “The American people want a president who is both experienced and respected throughout the world. I’m the man for the job.”

“Woman,” Cooper corrected.

“Well, yes, but I was just showing deference to your status as a celebrity homosexual,” Clinton said. “I feel your pain, your angst, and your frustrations. I will be America’s first LGBT president as my husband was America’s first black president as Toni Morrison named him.”

Trump was quick to weigh in on Clinton’s threat to scratch his eyes out.

“People should take Crooked Hillary’s comments very seriously as she and her husband Bill are pros at qualifying their enemies for postage stamp status,” Trump said.

“By the time she disarms innocent Americans, everyone will have to resort to eye scratching in order to defend their families against intruders,” Tump added.

When asked about Clinton’s attack on Melania, Trump quipped, “I’m married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Hillary is a sweat hog momma with a face like a gent. No wonder Bill’s get up and go got up and went everywhere other than near her.”

Cooper reportedly left the set shaking his head muttering, “I’m getting to old for this crap.”

Dems ban God from Convention: Wasserman

wasserman schultz interviews with anderson cooper

Outgoing Democratic National Committee  Chairman Debbie Wasserman Shultz announced that all mentions of God will be banned at next week’s Convention.

“It’s time to settle the issue once and for all. The Democratic Party is a party of leadership, vision, and fresh ideas. Antiquated beliefs about God or references to the so-called Holy Bible have no place in our party, convention, and in fact, our great nation,” Wasserman Shultz said.

The Convention begins Monday in Philadelphia, Pa.  Democratic leadership will vote to set the rules of the convention at the onset of the event. Wasserman Shultz said an early polling of the group indicates overwhelming support for the ban.

“It’s important to note, we already have a packed lineup of speakers so we need to use our time wisely,” Wasserman Shultz said. “And, it’s critical that we focus on the issues to ensure Hillary Clinton is elected the next president of the United States and, just as importantly, Donald Trump is not. The convention is hardly the right place to play church.”

CNN’s Anderson Cooper pressed Wasserman Shultz for the motive behind the move.

“I’m not saying that I disagree with you as I think that if there is a God it would be a ‘she,’” Cooper said. “But it seems to me you are putting a lot of emphasis on this issue the day after Trump outlined his aggressive, and quite frankly, rather well thought plan for America should he be elected.”

“The bottom line, Anderson, is there is no God,” said Wasserman Schultz. “For example, when my husband and I decided to have children, we tore off our clothes, hopped into bed, and made babies. I can tell you up front, we’re not into threesomes, so there was no God there to help us out. The convention is not a place to foster fairy tales.”

“I can relate somewhat to what you’re saying although as you know, I am a gay man,” Cooper said. “And I know that LGBTQ issues will be at the forefront of the convention.”

“They sure will be, Anderson,” Wasserman Schultz said. “And to your point about being gay, if there was a God, you and your partner would be able to have a baby just by praying for one.”

Wasserman said that just prior to the convention, an offsite Bible burning will take place in the parking lot of nearby Lincoln Field. Nightly séances will be held, culminating in a Thursday night orgy after Secretary Clinton accepts her party’s nomination.

Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Aerosmith’s Joey Kramer for the idea for this piece! 

Clinton to Plagiarize Emancipation Proclamation

 

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Noticing the massive publicity Melania Trump enjoyed after being accused of plagiarizing Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton announced she also plans to “repurpose some good copy.”

A statement released by the Clinton Campaign on Wednesday indicated Mrs. Clinton has been reviewing Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation “to determine relevant parts she can lift that fit into today’s America.”

In an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Clinton detailed what she meant by “today’s America.”

“You know, Anderson, the Emancipation Proclamation was truly a great speech, but it’s fairly one-sided as it measures up against today’s society,” Clinton said. “And I am sure if President Lincoln were here today, he would both endorse me, and would want to make sure the speech contained elements that not only please those of us who enjoy white privilege, but also reaches to the heart and the concerns of the Black Lives Matter movement, peace-loving Muslims regardless of whether they wish to harm us, illegal immigrants of all nationalities, police reform activists, and of course, the LGBT community.”

Cooper reminded Clinton that he is openly gay and appreciates that she believes President Lincoln would defend his right to enjoy naked horseplay with other men.

“Well, Anderson, that’s what friends are for,” Clinton said with a smile, and a wink, and a sparkle in her eye.

“Are you Dionneifying me?” Cooper chuckled.

“Hey don’t forget, we also have Elton in there as well, so perhaps I’m Johnifying you?” Clinton said.

“I’m not sure how I feel about being call a john, although it certainly would not be the first time. But let me say this: Elton was and remains a great leader and role model for the LGBT community,” Cooper said. “I give no small credit to his sacrifice in laying the foundation for men like me to not only come out my mother’s closet, but doing so wearing one of her latest fashions.”

“You know, Cooper, if I’m elected president—and of course I will be as I’ve already told the American people all they want hear—I plan to name you as this great country’s first Mayor of the Gay Community,” Clinton said.

Cooper became so choked up with tears that CNN was forced to take an unscheduled commercial break.

Editor’s note: Special thanks to followers Lisha DeRycke Hallek and Stef Aneli for their valuable assistance in helping me craft, edit, and plagiarize this report. 

Pence Blows Kidney Stone at Convention

 

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Trump’s running mate and Indiana governor Mike Pence is recovering from passing a kidney stone Monday.

The incident occurred during a mic check backstage with CNN’s Anderson Cooper. Pence is reported to have started sweating profusely from his brow and biting his lip just as Cooper began testing his collar microphone.

Holding his groin with one hand, Pence pushed himself off his stool and hobbled off to the men’s room. Focused on his mic check, Cooper did not witness the incident and initially thought nothing of Pence’s absence.

Approximately 15 minutes later, Pence collapsed on the bathroom floor in a stall.

Pence’s fall tripped on his microphone, which some believe was a miracle that may have saved his life. After the governor’s mic turned on, the entire stage crew including Cooper heard Pence’s pained groans and panting.

“At first I thought we were hearing a cow giving birth to twins,” Cooper later told his viewers.

Pence’s pained yelps grew louder, throwing everyone into confusion as the stage area was not in the immediate vicinity of the restroom.

A union technician returning from a cigarette break traced the sound to the men’s room. Cooper and several of the stage crew dashed to the scene.

Sighting the governor squirming underneath the stalls, Cooper crawled underneath to help. To prevent the governor from striking his head against the porcelain toilet, Cooper gently pushed Pence out of the stall to safety.

“Will someone call 911 for crying out loud?” Pence screamed. “I’m passing a damned kidney stone!”

“Governor, would you like me to hold you or massage where it hurts until help arrives?” Cooper offered.

“This is no time to be cracking your stinking LGBT jokes!” the governor replied.

“I’m just trying to help,” Cooper said. “As a gay man, I know what it’s like to feel pain most people don’t suffer.”

Paramedics took Pence to a nearby hospital where he reportedly passed the stone approximately two hours after his arrival.

The Emergency Room physician prescribed Pence narcotic painkillers in the event another lingering stone passes.

Pence said he plans to save the drugs to numb the pain of having to listen to a bunch of Republican blowhards as they give their nomination speeches.