Domestic Violence Surge After Women’s March

Police departments across the nation have reported a surge in domestic violence calls since Saturday’s Women’s March. Several metropolitan area 911 Centers experienced outages causing callers to receive busy signals and dropped calls.

Of the calls that did make it through, an unusually high percentage was from men who were beaten by their wives or live-in lovers.

“These perpetrators had attended Saturday’s anti-man march, many of which were fueled by alcohol or fermented smoothies,” said Texas’s Harris County Sheriff Department “Top Cop” Sheldon Smith.

“In one case it took four of our sheriffs to bring one gal into compliance,” Smith said. “She kept screaming things such as ‘In the unholy and cursed name of our High Priestess Madonna, fu@! you!” and “Get your hands off my pussy hat, you two-inch pen!$.”

Hundreds of bearded men in their 20s who shack up with yoga-practicing millennial women ended up in emergency rooms across the country according to fake news site CNN. Of those, dozens were kept overnight in Intensive Care Units for matters ranging from further observation to life support.

Equally astonishing were the numbers of women who were incarcerated or admitted into mental health institutions for committing extreme acts of violence.

Former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton released a media statement that seemed to support the rising violence against men due to the marches.  In the statement, Clinton reinforced her misandrous quote to women that “we are stronger together.”

Clinton’s daughter Chelsea has been reported to have slammed her husband Marc Mezvinsky “in the nads.” Mezvinsky is a practicing liberal and self-avowed feminist, but both he and Chelsea agreed the move was necessary to demonstrate their support for recognizing women as the head of nature’s order. Mezvinsky may also have been a willing participant due to his affection for prescription narcotics, which the Clinton family doctor is known to freely prescribe when any of the men suffer spousal abuse.