In a startling turn of events, Republican front runner Donald Trump surprised a group of evangelicals by opening his campaign speech with an admission that he is, as his opponent Jeb Bush asserted, a jerk.
His head bowed in humility, Trump told the crowd, “There exists no better place than right here among the brethren of our Lord than for me to make a confession. Governor Bush spoke the truth. I am indeed a jerk.”
The startled audience sat down in silent disbelief, with the exception of the group of sycophants standing behind Trump as no chairs are typically provided for these candidate worshippers.
Raising his head and regaining his presidential posture, which means more to most voters than what any candidate stands for, Trump continued his confession.
“But let me be clear, in the Bible, we see that Joseph said to his brothers who sold him into slavery, ‘what the opponent meant for bad, God meant for good.’ What this nation needs is a jerk who tells it like it is and does not compromise the values of these United States. A jerk who won’t yield to political correctness. A jerk who will not negotiate with terrorists, lobbyists, or multiple ex-wives. A jerk who will make America great again!”
The audience stood to its feet chanting support. Political analysts were quick to comment that Trump cannot be the Antichrist because he quoted scripture.
However a poll taken after the event revealed that 87 percent of men and women over 50 became excited because Trump said “these United States instead of theUnited States,” which reminded them of President Ronald Reagan.
Arnie Stutzfutz, an undecided voter from Ohio told the press, “I’ve been on the fence of whether I should throw my support behind Trump or Clinton.” His eyes welling up with tears, he continued, “But when he said ‘these United States,’ it brought back sweet memories of the days of the Gipper and great hair bands like White Lion, Cinderella, and my all-time favorite, Bon Jovi.”
Bob Crenshaw of the neighboring key state of Pennsylvania added, “Loretta Lynch has endorsed Trump, so there’s no question I’m voting for the Donald.” Crenshaw, who brags about being the first in his family to hold out until sixth grade before dropping out of school, likely meant country music star Loretta Lynn rather than Loretta Lynch, who serves as the U.S. Attorney General. The Clinton campaign has complained multiple times that Loretta Lynn is supporting Trump to confuse people into thinking that a prominent member of the Obama administration has given the Republican frontrunner her powerful endorsement.
“Loretta Lynn knows Hillary has all her albums, to include the original LPs,” said George Giles, Clinton campaign spokesperson. “We believe she is getting back pocketed by the Trump campaign and those horrible Wall Street thugs who do nothing all day but create new jobs, which we all know would be best handled by Mrs. Clinton.”
Trump was quick to warn Mrs. Clinton that if she wanted to play the Loretta card, he would bring out Tammy Wynette’s fifth cousin who also happens to be related in an unclear way to Joe the Plumber. The Clinton campaign could not be reached for comment by press time.
Presidential historian Willard McCarcus questions whether Trump’s “jerk strategy” will benefit the American people. “We haven’t had a jerk in the White House since Calvin Coolidge. President Coolidge’s strategy of jerkism nearly cost this nation its independence and freedom. He also had bad hair, so the threat to America could not be more ominous.”
Trump dismissed Dr. McCarcus’s assessment.
“One important difference between other candidates on both sides of the aisle and myself is that I am not taking money from lobbyists, special interest groups, or hippies. And I am starting a new venture to educate people on how to become jerks. All earnings will be dedicated to reduce this nation’s deficit, which will be wiped out during my presidency along with the entire Middle East, except Israel. I have reached out to Governor Bush to ask him to be the Honorary Chairman of this venture and I am pleased to say I got to talk to his executive assistant, Sally. Note, I said ‘chairman’ instead of ‘chairperson’ because as President, my first Executive Order will cut the head off political correctness.”
Trump added that as president he also plans to negotiate with cereal manufacturers and the makers of Cracker Jacks to include two or more prizes in each box.
“This will help our children begin at an early age to adopt the mindset of prosperity as well as stimulate the agricultural sector that the current administration has so callously neglected, with the exception of arugula growers,” said Trump. “As I child, I could not wait to open a new box to find the prize. I was more excited than Ralphie in the Christmas Story who waited forever for his BB gun to arrive. Which, by the way, I plan to wholeheartedly to defend the Second Amendment to ensure no child is denied his Constitutional right to a slingshot, BB Gun, or plastic hand grenade toys. “Note that I said ‘his’ instead of ‘his or her’ because political correctness has got to go. When I say ‘his’ I mean girls too. I like girls. Just look at my little princess Ivana.”
Trump concluded that after his two-term presidency, he will open his already designed two-million square foot Trump Presidential Library in Las Vegas and initiate a new autobiographical reality show called “The Jerk”.
“They will both be fabulous,” he said.