Assailant Blames Small Penis for Trump Attack


trump attack

Donald Trump’s planned rally in Chicago Friday was canceled last week due to a protestor who now admits that he not only has anger in his heart: he has anger in his pants.

Jedidiah Brown was pulled from the event stage. He’s part of an organization called Young Leaders Alliance, which he uses as an outlet to vent his personal angst and to meet young women.

“Having gotten into the middle of the rally, I completely felt hated, I completely felt unsafe, I felt that everyone knows I have a small penis,” Brown told the press. “So it became my mission to shut it down because this can’t go on in Chicago.”

Brown indicated that he has long since struggled with his masculinity because of what he perceives to be unfair physical deficiencies and has tried with no success to compensate for the shortcomings.

“I’ve taken yoga, you know, done the “Namaste” thing, gone for nature walks with suburban folks, even done horseback riding,” Brown told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “I was even thinking about buying a Harley Davidson like rednecks with small penises do, but I couldn’t secure the financing for a new bike.”

Asked why size would drive him to such extreme behavior, Brown held back tears as he continued.

“To be perfectly honest, this is a world gone very wrong for me,” he said. “It’s not a race or hate thing. But it is my birthright to be well endowed. I got cheated. Everyone on the team made fun of me in the locker room saying I’m built like Jim Carey or some other dude you know ain’t got the goods.”

Trump, who recently suffered a widely publicized small-appendage insult by opponent Senator Marco Rubio, said that Brown’s candor made him “think about the reality of things.”

“I long ago learned that ‘hurt people hurt people’,” Trump told Meet the Press. “When I am elected president, I will ask congress to earmark a portion of healthcare funding to ensure that young men like Brown get the help they need before it’s too late.”

Brown said at press time that he was not aware of Trump’s remarks.

“Regardless of what’s going on South of the Border, I am, at heart, a real man, which is what women and the American people really want in a guy,” Brown said. “If Trump were to come clean about be anatomically shortchanged, I might even consider voting for him.”

“That’s what the power of protest is all about,” Brown concluded.

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