Clinton “Shocked and Appalled” by Weinstein Allegations

 

Hillary Clinton offered her thoughts about sexual assault allegations leveled against film producer and Democratic mega-donor Harvey Weinstein, saying his alleged behavior “cannot be tolerated.”

“I am shocked and appalled that any man these days would have the audacity to act male,” Clinton said at a recent press conference.  Wearing an orange pantsuit, the former Democratic presidential candidate was flanked by short-haired women with ugly plastic eyeglasses, sporting vagina-shaped hats, holding rainbow flags and Hillary 2020 signs.

“We fought so hard for LGBT rights in part so that men with testosterone-driven libidos can go find a bathroom stall and have at it with each other rather than victimize women with catcalls and whatnot,” Clinton continued.

“Weinstein’s behavior, as described by bimbos and ladies alike, cannot be tolerated,” Clinton said, bulging her eyes and shaking her head to look both angry and mean. “Their courage is critical in making men the inferior gender, particularly those who suffer from White Privilege.”

Clinton’s critics often point out that she voices her opinion about every headline to remain relevant. However, she was initially silent regarding Weinstein. She spoke up only after it came to light that Weinstein had given significant donations to Clinton’s presidential campaign as well as solicited her staff for back massages.

Between 1990-2016, the film producer bundled more than $1.4 million for Clinton’s campaigns and political action committees, according to data compiled by the Center for Responsive Politics.

Weinstein donated more than $33,000 to the Hillary Victory Fund in 2016.

Earlier Tuesday, a former campaign manager for Obama’s 2008 presidential bid said it was “disappointing” that Weinstein got caught as rumors were mounting that Clinton is mulling another run against President Trump in 2020.

“The Clintons helped keep Weinstein’s shenanigans a secret throughout the campaign,” the former campaign manager said. “It’s a shame they couldn’t keep it buried until Clinton makes up her freaking mind about 2020. After publishing that long-winded rant that she calls a book, Hillary could use his money, that’s for sure.”

The unnamed former campaign manager went on to say he would grow back his mustache if President Trump were reelected.

NFL Players to Honor LGBT Community on Both Knees

Following the widespread media coverage pro athletes throughout the NFL attracted over the past few weeks, free agent Colin Kaepernick is calling on players to once again “take a knee” — this time in support of the LGBTQ community.

“I am calling on every NFL player, coach, and team player to get on both knees and lock arms during the national anthem in support of the LGBTQ community,” Kaepernick said at a press conference in San Francisco.

The press event was held at “The Stud,” a five-star gay nightclub, which the birthplace of the legendary drag show “Trannyshack.”

During the press conference, CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Kaepernick what motivated him to call on players to stand behind the LGBTQ community.

“I’m not taking any homophobic heckling in the form of questions until I am done speaking, so why don’t you sit down and shut up?” Kaepernick quipped.

“Excuse me, sir, but I happen to be a celebrated gay man and Gloria Vanderbilt’s son, so not only am I gay, I grew up surrounded by the world’s most refined homosexual and lesbian role models of our time,” Cooper said.

“Sorry man, I was just trying to imitate President Trump, but I guess you just didn’t get the joke,” Kaepernick said. “But you asked a fantastic question. Really terrific. The reason why I am calling on everyone to take both knees and lock arms to support gay guys like you is simple: I got a real kick out of watching everyone follow my legacy over the past few weeks. I mean, people are like sheep. They really do have that herd mentality, and nobody wants to be on the outside, you know?”

“So, I’m going for the gays,” Kaepernick continued. “They are like the hot trend right now. Everybody is either gay or wants to be gay. It’s the in thing. Or, on a good night, the in and out thing.”

“And when you think about it, the gay man has been oppressed for too long,” Kaepernick continued. “It’s time someone knelt down and did something nice for him…and I don’t mean in the way he’s used to having that done. Anderson, can you imagine on Sunday, you’re spooning with your partner, or whatever you are calling each other these days, and you see all these NFL people on their knees in your honor?”

Oh I like it, like it, like it,” Cooper shouted out with glee.

“What a funky lady!” Kaepernick responded, hip-bumping Anderson.

“Colin, I’d like to make a special request, if I may,” Cooper said. “I love the idea of taking a knee, especially since two knees will be involved. But could we also add ‘take a shower?’ I would love if everyone would just do another encore after the game by kneeling and locking arms in the shower. I promise to give the guys special coverage.”

Sources close to Kaepernick indicate the quarterback ran from the press conference, gripping his hair, muttering repeatedly, “God help me, what have I done?”

The Onion mocks Las Vegas rampage – Tell them to Retract!

Investigators work the scene Monday, Oct. 2, 2017, after a mass shooting at a music festival near the Mandalay Bay resort and casino on the Las Vegas Strip on Sunday night in Las Vegas. Photo credit: CHRIS CARLSON/AP

As the death toll climbs in Sunday night’s historic rampage in Las Vegas, The Onion shamelessly mocked the attack. Tell The Onion to retract the story and to apologize for its lack of judgment!  Click Here For The Story.

The Onion mocks Las Vegas slain – Satirist calls for apology

Just one day following the horrific slaying of scores of people by a deranged gunman, The Onion released several articles mocking the slayings. The Onion is the nation’s most recognized satirical news venue.

The October 2, 2017 edition of The Onion carried two disturbing “above the fold” articles:

NRA Says Mass Shootings Just The Unfortunate Price Of Protecting People’s Freedom To Commit Mass Shootings,” and, “‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens.”  The content of each is even more disturbing.

National blogger and satire author Kenny Kahn (Kilpatrick) is calling upon The Onion to retract the pieces and apologize for its “gross lack of judgment.”  Kahn manages a political satire blog called “RealClear Satire,” and is the author of Memoirs of a Nation Gone Nuts: A Satirical Review of Election 2016.

 

Steven Tyler Ken Kilpatrick

Satirist Kenny Kahn Kilpatrick shares hug with Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler

“While the purpose of Satire is to convey an important, hidden message that often points out societal or political flaws that need to be corrected, The Onion went far over the line by using the victims of the Las Vegas rampage as fodder for a few laughs,” said Kahn. “The Onion needs to retract these articles and apologize for its careless misuse of satire.”

Kahn says he otherwise enjoys The Onion and in fact was encouraged by one of the magazine’s founders to write Memoirs of a Nation Gone Nuts.

“After connecting with Scott Dikkers through social media, he indicated he was familiar with my blog and suggested that I incorporate the Election 2016 material into a book, which I did,” said Kahn. “Prior to that, writing a book had not crossed my mind. I consider Scott a role model and mentor. I am glad he had no part in the October 2, 2017, Las Vegas articles.”

“There is no question satire must and should poke at topics that most people won’t touch,” Kahn said. “Nobody does it better than The Onion. But this time, the publication went too far and needs to apologize and get back to the business of decent indecency.”

Trump Adds NFL To Travel Ban

 

“Keep ’em the hell home!” 

Those were the five words President Donald J. Trump uttered as he signed an executive order adding NFL teams to his controversial travel ban.

“Even Lee Greenwood must be ashamed to be an American after watching those thugs drop to their knees as if they were in some LGBT locker room,” Trump said, referring to the NFL players who knelt in protest at various games throughout the country Sunday. “Those bums are no heroes. They’re a bunch of overpaid, tattooed, unbathed hippy skanks with the morals of Al Qaeda Operatives or Clinton Campaign volunteers if you ask me.”

Trump’s Executive Order, called the “Real Men Don’t Kneel With Other Men Act,” adds NFL teams to a growing list of countries from which travel to the United States is forbidden. Since the NFL players are already located in the United States, the Real Men Act includes a specific provision that prevents NFL team players known to “bend the knee, bend over, or sport hairstyles that look like a bison’s rectal fuzz from traveling together for the purpose of playing professional football.”

“Chad, Iran, Libya, North Korea, Somalia, Syria, Venezuela, Yemen, and now the NFL needs to learn that if you want to play in the United States, you are going to play by the rules,” Trump said, blowing his nose into a Know Your Rights camp tee-shirt.

“I’ve got a country to run, hurricane-ravaged destination points to repair, and insults to tweet,” Trump said. “I don’t have the time to argue with a bunch of little girls in NFL uniforms on their knees like some late night-lady down on 42nd street. Ill-gotten booty’s not my style. Let them follow their butt-fuzz-headed leader straight to unemployment. Fire the sons of bitches!”

Sources close to Kim Jong-un indicate he is considering launching a nuclear attack on America in retaliation for Trump including Colin Kaepernick on the same list as North Korea.

“Apparently, dictators are capable of undergoing moments of morality when provoked,” said U.S. Senator John McCain who sometimes feigns the role as a hero from the Vietnam War.

Clinton says Opioid Addiction Crisis is not her Fault

Speaking in front of the American Medical Association’s annual convention on Friday, former Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said she is not to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis. “As you can see in my new book, What Happened, I would have won the election if it weren’t for the incompetence of approximately 25 distinct groups and individuals,” Clinton said. “I had the right message, the right campaign, and ran at the right time.”

“If I was elected President of the United States we would not have an opioid addiction crisis—and you know I won the popular vote by millions,” Clinton continued. “One of my first acts after the inauguration would have been to legislate addiction out of mainstream America. Rather than deporting Mexicans and DREAMers, I would send drug addicts and junkies to Venezuela where they can get all the illicit drugs they want. President Trump, who, by the way is also to blame for my loss, has been soft on addiction.”

During a post-speech interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper pointed out to Clinton that nobody said she was to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis.

“Oh well you know, Anderson, they eventually get around to blaming me for everything so I just was being a little proactive, you know?” Clinton fired back.

“Mrs. Clinton, your book boldly accuses a number of groups for your surprise defeat,” Cooper said. “Do you feel that you may bear any blame for your loss?”

“You know, Anderson, I would have been America’s first openly gay president and I campaigned hard on LGBT issues,” Clinton said. “These days, it’s obvious that half of America is either gay or has some kind of celebrated perversion. The numbers are staggering. I feel that community also let me down. They’re so big in “coming out.” Yet, they did not come out in enough numbers for me. So, no, this is loss is none of my doing.”

“Mrs. Clinton, as you know, I am a gay man,” Cooper said. “In fact, I’m so gay that I’ve won numerous awards and recognitions for my lifestyle. I think I speak on behalf of the entire LGBT community in expressing gratitude for your pioneering work on our behalf. But I’m a little confused about your claim that you are openly gay. Could you elaborate?”

“Well, as you know, Anderson, Toni Morrison referred to my husband as America’s first black president, and obviously he’s Caucasian on the surface, but there’s no question he’s a black man on the inside,” Clinton said. “I’m obviously married to a male, but given Bill’s propensity to bone anything with a pair of breasts, my heart over time has become gay, and my pantsuits are a reflection of my transgender tendencies.”

“You go girl…er, boy!” Anderson exclaimed.

“Cash me ousside, how bow dat?” Clinton said, fist bumping Anderson before she broke into a high speed twerk against his crotch.

ViagraGate: FBI Investigates Russian Rumors about Pill’s Side Effects

In an operation that began under former FBI Director James Comey, the feds are investigating allegations that Russia may have tampered with America’s use of Viagra.

At the heart of the investigation dubbed “Viagragate,” Russian agents doubling as doctors and pharmaceutical sales reps are alleged to have spread rumors that Viagra has a side effect that causes men to uncontrollably pass gas during intercourse.

“Men across the country are reported to have experienced severe flatulence during their most intimate and tender moments after ingesting even minimal doses of Viagra,” Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Acting Director Ann Schuchat, M.D. said at a recent press conference. “These gas-passing episodes produce feculent odors of the worst possible kind, causing both partners to forgo climaxing and forces them to almost immediately cease intercourse.”

“The party responsible for planting these rumors has tapped into the knowledge that psychosomatic disorders combined with a small dose of Viagra can produce dire consequences,” Schuchat said.

President Trump tweeted:

“Once again the Fake News media outlets like CNN are perpetuating information based on nothing more than hot air. Sad!”

Trump later tweeted an MTV Celebrity Grudge Match GIF with his face superimposed over Monica Lewinsky and CNN’s logo over Hillary Clinton. The president quietly removed the GIF after the Twitterspace exploded in anger. Sarah Palin also mocked Trump in a tweet that she also has since deleted, but not before the president tweeted back, “I can see your hockey mom haggard old buffalo butt from my White House!”

Sources close to the White House indicated that the FBI’s investigation “stinks of typical agenda-ridden propaganda left over from the previous administration.”

Those sources confirmed that President Trump is mulling over formally requesting Congress to investigate the FBI itself over what appears to be blatant corruption.

Speaking in anonymity, one Viagragate survivor said that his new bride left him during the second day of their honeymoon because he was unable to control his flatulence during intercourse.

“We were both married before and thought when we found each other, we found our soul mate,” he said, choking back tears. “I awoke to a note she left on her side of the bed that said, ‘As you know, my former husband had irritable bowel syndrome. Apparently, I’ve gone from the frying pan into the fire…in this case, the sulfurs from Hell’s Lake of Fire have destroyed our fledgling marriage. I am returning to my real husband and I ask that you do not fight me as I seek an annulment of ours.’”

CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Schuchat if there were any reports of gay couples who had also experienced similar side effects. Cooper was sweating profusely, dabbing his brow with a cloth, walking as if he was experiencing lower back pain.

Cooper’s face crunched into a hard squint and a loud noise cracked from his backside. An unbearable odor suddenly filled the space around him and the room quickly cleared.

“I think we have our answer,” Schuchat said as she vacated the podium, tears flowing down her cheeks as if she just bit into a freshly harvested onion.

Calls to the Russian Embassy were not returned by press time.

Trump Asks Obama to Help Rewrite Obamacare

 

Trump asks Obama to help rewrite Obamacare

President Trump has reached out to former President Obama for help in rewriting Obamacare

After winning a major victory in the U.S. House of Representatives to repeal Obamacare, President Trump is calling on his predecessor for help.

“This victory is huge, I tell you,”  Mr. Trump said. “I like huge. So we are going to make our health care legislation even huger than Obamacare. I want to jam pack new legislation into at least 5,000 pages. That’s 100 pages for each of the 50 states when you think about it. Kind of like a fair distribution of Electoral College votes. Hillary would have liked that. Maybe this will turn her frown upside down.  I want my bill so big that Congress will have to pass the thing to find out what’s in it.”

“Which is why I called on my predecessor, Barack Obama,” Trump continued. “I feel he did a fantastic job cramming content into his version. With President Obama’s experience, we should easily be able to produce five times as much as his first shot. This is going to be great, I tell you.”

“I am honored President Trump is seeking creative ways to expand my legacy,” Obama said while recently accepting the annual Profile in Courage Award at the John F. Kennedy Library in Boston.

“And it is my fervent hope that today’s members of Congress, regardless of party or sexual preference, are willing to look at the facts and speak the truth, even when it contradicts common sense,” Obama said.

After years of debate, and weekend retreats in overseas red light districts, the House voted last week to repeal and replace key parts of the Affordable Care Act.

“A lot of us waited seven years to cast this vote,” House Speaker Paul Ryan, R-Wis., said shortly before the voting began. “Many of us are here because we pledged to cast this vote: to repeal and replace Obamacare and heap self-inflicted term limits upon ourselves.”

Senate may be the showstopper 

Winning approval for the bill could be more difficult in the Senate. According to the former President, this scenario serves as precisely why his signature legislation needs to remain in place in some form.

“Surgeons by the droves who have operated on U.S. Senators have reached the same startling conclusion: Senators are spineless,” Obama said. “Missing a spine since birth is a serious preexisting condition over which no U.S. Senator should be denied treatment.”

After the vote, protesters outside the Capitol building yelled, “Fatty fatty two by four, can’t fit through the bathroom door!” at members of Congress walking down the front steps.

The bill, which would change the way the federal government funds Medicaid, will dramatically increase the number of people without health insurance if enacted into law.

“As one who believes that handicapped parking spots should be furthest from the mall entrance because those folks need more exercise, I’m A-OK if people lose government-funded insurance,” Ryan said. “It will give Americans incentive to get off the couch and go for a jog around the development.”

Memoirs of a Nation Gone Nuts: A Satirical Review of Election 2016 (New York City: Simone & Shyster, 2017)

We’re published!  Many of our blogs went viral during the 2016 Election season, generating hundreds of humorous responses on social media. We compiled the best of our blogs and the craziest posts into a hysterical 178-page book, now available on Amazon! Get your copy today!

United Airlines: Doctors Overbook Too!

Earlier this week, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz praised his staff for its involvement in forcibly removing a passenger due to the airline overbooking a flight. After an outcry across social media and a 4% drop in United’s stock value, Munoz feigned an apology to the passenger, Dr. David Dao.

“Karma is a you-know-what,” Munoz said in his apology. “Doctors overbook patients all the time, sometimes 5 or more a shot. Dr. Dao got a taste of his own medicine and now the poor baby is acting like he had an overdose.”

Regardless, United faces a P.R. crisis. Munoz is alleged to have initiated marathon discussions with his public relations team to plan how to better manage any necessary physical abuse of customers. The P.R. team is said to have quickly churned out new policies that United will immediately implement.

A press release detailed those policies as follows:

  1. United Will Continue To Overbook Doctors – Doctors always overbook patients, jamming up their waiting rooms.  “Passengers like Dr. David Dao should just shut up and take it when it’s their turn to feel what it’s like to suffer at the hand of overbooking,” Munoz said.
  1. Customers Will Be Reminded To Prepare For Overbooking – United will update its website and marketing materials to remind customers that United’s needs come first. After all, the airplanes belong to us, not the blokes who ride them. Customers who are selected for “re-accommodation” are expected to comply in an orderly and cheerful manner or bras will be snapped and knickers wedged.
  1. Customers Who Refuse To Comply With Re-Accommodation Will Receive An Initial Verbal Warning – United believes in providing customers every opportunity to peacefully re-accommodate to help United meet its needs. United employees are empowered to choose what level of verbal warning they need implement to help customers get the point. Verbal warnings may range from politely requesting customers to sacrifice their seats to more aggressively reminding them that their lives are equal to useless bags of infectious waste and they need to relinquish their seats to more important people.
  1. United Reserves The Right To Cane Non-Compliant Customers – Caning is an acceptable form of discipline in a number of countries. It serves two purposes: First, it typically brings rebellious customers into compliance. Second, it helps other customers to think twice should they be fortunate enough to be offered re-accommodation at some point. All United employees who interact with customers will receive United Caning Training ™ and will be provided whipping canes to use at their discretion.
  1. Totally Belligerent And Non-Compliant Customers Will Be Banned From Future Flights – At United, we believe people simply do not change. Customers who become belligerent and totally refuse to work with our re-accommodation specialists will be placed on United’s No-Fly List as well as referred to the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) for further harassment and abuse.

“United is the nation’s top airline for a reason,” said Munoz. “Customers who think they know how to operate an airline better than we do can just walk to their next destination. We don’t need, nor do we want their business, with the exception of the checked bag and inflated beverage fees we charge.”

Trump to Appoint Clinton as Secretary of Offense

 

Trump’s cabinet will soon include a Secretary of Offense, and the President’s former opponent Hillary Clinton is expected to take the job.

During a weekend news briefing with the White House’s official media outlets, Fox News and Breitbart News Network, Trump announced Clinton is expected to become the latest addition to his administration.

“We are developing a cabinet-level office which will be called the Department of Offense,” Trump announced. “And I believe that Secretary Clinton is the perfect nominee to head up the department.”

“This bipartisan effort will ensure that no American will suffer undue offense,” Trump said. “While my predecessor’s administration was drunk with political correctness, there in fact exists a point of decency to which every American is due. Please notice my play on the words undue and due. That is pretty clever. I thought of it myself without the help of my handlers.”

Mr. Trump said that the key to ensuring no Americans suffer undue offense is to put in place a governmental unit that will be offended on behalf of cultures, subcultures, and individuals, particularly those who are not offended to begin with.

“Hillary has a gift of knowing for whom she needs to be offended and how to make those folks realize they should be offended,” Trump said.

“I’m pleased to announce that Mrs. Clinton has accepted my personal offer to name her as Secretary of Offense,” Trump added.

When asked why Mrs. Clinton was not present for the announcement, Trump pointed out that he is following protocol he developed jointly with Mrs. Clinton on election night.

“As you recall, I announced Hillary’s concession when I beat her pantsuit off on election night,” Trump said. “I am her de facto spokesperson in such matters.”

Mrs. Clinton confirmed in a press release that she was offered the position and that she intends to make an acceptance speech from the White House Rose Garden on Good Friday.

“However, I would prefer to call Good Friday a ‘holiday’ so that nobody gets offended,” Clinton clarified.

A poll of non-Christians indicated they could not care less whether Clinton, Trump or Rod Stewart used the term “Good Friday.”

Clinton said that her first act as Secretary of Offense would be to apologize to all Americans who do not enjoy the benefits of ‘white privilege.’

“When given a high honor such as being named Secretary of Offense, you have a responsibility to make tough decisions that won’t please everyone,” Clinton said. “So, you have to be willing to offend some to ensure others who are not offended do not become offended, because if that happens, those who become offended may act out their offences and in turn could offend somebody who would otherwise never offend anybody, which would be quite patently offensive to everybody with a sense of decency relative to sensitive matters that could be deemed offensive to some.”

Sources on Capitol Hill indicate Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell intends to hold hearings to determine “what in the Sam Hill that wing-nut Clinton is talking about” before scheduling confirmation hearings.

President Trump Calls for Media Term Limits

Trump CPAC Photo

President Donald J. Trump announced at CPAC 2017 his plans to enact media term limits.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has called on Congress to establish media term limits, a maneuver seen by top political analysts as a strategic move as he advances in his war with the press.

Trump made the announcement last week to a cheering audience during Friday’s CPAC conference.

“We are going to build a legislative wall that will stop the media’s abuse of power,” the President said. “And I will make The New York Times pay for that wall.”

During the conference, Dr. Ben Carson said he agreed with the need to curtail the media. Carson also confirmed he is African-American when asked by a CPAC participant during the Q&A session.

“The power of the press is so germane to the Constitution, it is addressed in the First Amendment,” Trump said, inadvertently holding up his pocket thesaurus rather than his Bill of Rights booklet. “However, the media has clearly abused its power, and it is our responsibility as leaders of this great nation to put an end to that abuse.”

“As president, I am limited to two terms, which is very unfortunate on one hand because I am a great leader,” Trump continued. “On the other hand, it is fortunate that my predecessor was term-limited as the guy would have made not only more of a wreck of these United States, but would have made a bigger mess within White House itself. It seems like every day, we’re still finding cigarette butts, paper wads and other garbage strewn about the place from all the parties and what-not that guy hosted.”

Trump said he would send Congress a detailed proposal by March 31. Highlights from that proposal will include:

  • Political commentators: 5-10 years, whichever comes first
  • Newspaper opinion writers: 2-year terms, maximum of five terms
  • Political beat reporters: 2-year terms, maximum of two terms
  • Political round table contributors: 1-year term to be followed by immediate waterboarding

Trump also suggests that staff writers for Vox, Huffington Post, and Slate and other venues of massive fake news sources serve a mandatory five-year federal prison sentence prior to employment.

Melania Trump Withdraws First Lady Nomination

President Trump’s nominee for First Lady, Melania Trump, withdrew from consideration Wednesday amid growing resistance from a national women’s group that finds beauty patently offensive.

The collapse of Melania’s nomination threw the White House into further turmoil just days after the resignation of Trump’s national security adviser, Michael Flynn. ­Flynn had is alleged to have spoken with the Russian ambassador last year about lifting U.S. sanctions and the latest deals at an American men’s clothier, Jos. A Bank.

Although Melania is technically President Trump’s wife, she has not yet been confirmed as First Lady by the Senate. Democrats had stalled the nomination process reportedly to allow Minority Chairman Chuck Schumer (D-NY) to complete his review of semi-pornographic photos featuring Mrs. Trump.

A statement from Mrs. Trump indicated “growing impatience with the Democratic Party’s intolerance toward women of decency who refuse to parade about in hats shaped like oversized female genitalia.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) shot back, “Mrs. Trump’s pompous disregard for and acceptance of American miscreants of all kinds has no place in today’s society.”

Warren, who said she was speaking both as both a female and a male, asserted that “Melania is totally unqualified to serve as the First Lady of the United States,” and suggested that “President Trump should provide the same level of thorough vetting for candidates for the Office of First Lady as he would for those of certain foreign zip codes who wish to migrate to America.”

President Trump took to twitter to respond to Senator Warren, tweeting that, “Big Chief Pocahontas must be smoke ’em the funny stuff peace pipe again. Sad.”

Warren and Trump have long been engaged in Twitter wars since the 2016 presidential campaign. Word in the Capitol has it that Warren’s mission in engaging with Trump was to deliver messages deemed by the DNC as too nasty for Candidate Hillary Clinton to articulate.

Not all Washington insiders agree with that assessment, however. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is rumored to have commented that “Warren and Trump’s Twitter wars have given the two a valve through which they can vent the angst of unrequited love and primal desire they have for each other.”

Pat The Cat Not Sure Which Litter Box To Use

Male Cat Caught Peeing in Female’s Box

ROLLA, MISSOURI — As the national debate rages on about how equal rights should apply to the transgender community, a Siamese cat named Pat is wondering where he fits in.

“Pat the Cat,” as he is affectionately nicknamed, is neutered. The McMillan family who lives in Rolla, Missouri rescued Pat from a shelter three years ago.

While tearing up the newspaper, Pat the Cat saw an article about whether transgendered high school students should be permitted to use whichever restroom or locker room they please.

Distracted by a bird that flew by the kitchen window, Pat the Cat left the shredded newspaper on the floor for the McMillans to clean up as he perched on the counter to watch his prey.

Pat is the only neutered pet of the McMillan’s five cats. The other cats consist of two males and two females, one of which is pregnant.

A few hours later, Pat had to pee. His tail erect, he made his way to the litter box underneath the stairs. Pat had gravitated toward that box since he was adopted, as did the other two male cats. The female cats typically used the litter box in the laundry room.

As he rounded the corner, it hit Pat like a whiff of catnip: Pat became super-aware that he no longer had some of his male parts.

Pat the Cat became confused.

“Pat began scratching at the door to go out like our dog Simon,” said Trey McMillan, Pat’s owner. “It took us awhile to catch on, but after watching Pat for a few days, we noticed he would not use his own litter box. He also started pacing back and forth in front of the girl cats’ litter box, so we called the vet.”

Rolla Animal Hospital referred the McMillans to a nearby pet psychologist who quickly determined Pat was suffering from an identity crisis.

“Because your cat is neutered, she feels that she is now a female, and therefore should be using the female litter box,” said Dr. Keaton.

“You mean ‘he’,” Mr. McMillan said, correcting the doctor.

“No, I meant ‘she’,” the doctor replied. “Your family needs to accept Pat’s change in life regardless of what her birth certificate says. Begin by referring to Pat as “her” and “she.” Have a talk with your family and the other cats about acceptance and love.

“We just didn’t know what we didn’t know,” McMillan told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “Our family has always been very accepting of others, basically because we are spineless. But standing for nothing always got us by. Better to go with the flow than get your nose punched in.”

Holding back tears, Cooper told the McMillans that he too sometimes questions his identity and was proud of the family for being so tolerant of Pat the Cat’s life change.

While the McMillans quickly accepted Pat’s new identity, the other cats were not ready to do so.

Miffie, the pregnant cat, protested that if Pat were allowed to tinkle about the girl’s litter box, there would be nothing to prevent other male cats from doing the same.

“Devious tomcats will pretend they believe they are girl cats trapped inside male bodies so they can get access to our kittens,” she meowed.

The American Trans-Pussy Cat Association issued a statement rebuffing Miffie’s complaint.
“There is no evidence pointing to the fact that males will pretend to feel they are trans-pussies so they can get into kitties’ boxes,” the statement read. “The kind of hatred espoused by Miffie can no longer be tolerated.”

The Trans-Pussy lobby is supporting legislation that will mandate harsh criminal penalties for anyone who tries to keep male cats out of female pussycat facilities “under the guise of protecting mother cats and their young.”

BREAKING NEWS: JILL STEIN WANTS SUPER BOWL RECOUNT

Green Party Leader Says Game Was Rigged

HOUSTON–Well, there she goes again. Former Green Party presidential candidate Dr. Jill Stein is demanding a recount of Super Bowl LI, in which the New England Patriots defeated the Atlanta Falcons 34-28.

Holding a press conference outside the NRG Stadium in Houston, Texas, Stein expressed concerns about whether the referees were influenced by the Russians as they made their calls.

“Atlanta had a 28-3 lead midway through the third quarter,” Stein said. “There is no way the so-called Patriots are the real winners.”

“The  American people have seen far too many shenanigans in how scores are tabulated in important events,” Stein said. “With Trump in the White House, I’m super-concerned that the outcome of the Super Bowl has been rigged, especially with a bogus overtime maneuver that never happened in the history of the Super Bowl.”

President Trump was quick to issue a statement.

“This call for yet another recount is just a way for Jill Stein, who received less than one percent of the presidential vote overall and wasn’t even on the ballot in many states, to fill her coffers with money, most of which she will never even spend on this ridiculous recount,” Trump said.

He continued, “This is a scam by the Green Party. The results of this Super Bowl should be respected instead of being challenged and abused, which is exactly what Jill Stein is doing.”

Stein replied that the President’s remarks are “hogwash” and “reflect the insecurities of a man with little hands and other particular organs.”

In other news, angry protesters in Atlanta were seen with picket signs that said, “NOT MY SUPER BOWL CHAMPS.”