Clinton says Opioid Addiction Crisis is not her Fault

Speaking in front of the American Medical Association’s annual convention on Friday, former Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said she is not to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis. “As you can see in my new book, What Happened, I would have won the election if it weren’t for the incompetence of approximately 25 distinct groups and individuals,” Clinton said. “I had the right message, the right campaign, and ran at the right time.”

“If I was elected President of the United States we would not have an opioid addiction crisis—and you know I won the popular vote by millions,” Clinton continued. “One of my first acts after the inauguration would have been to legislate addiction out of mainstream America. Rather than deporting Mexicans and DREAMers, I would send drug addicts and junkies to Venezuela where they can get all the illicit drugs they want. President Trump, who, by the way is also to blame for my loss, has been soft on addiction.”

During a post-speech interview, CNN’s Anderson Cooper pointed out to Clinton that nobody said she was to blame for the nation’s opioid crisis.

“Oh well you know, Anderson, they eventually get around to blaming me for everything so I just was being a little proactive, you know?” Clinton fired back.

“Mrs. Clinton, your book boldly accuses a number of groups for your surprise defeat,” Cooper said. “Do you feel that you may bear any blame for your loss?”

“You know, Anderson, I would have been America’s first openly gay president and I campaigned hard on LGBT issues,” Clinton said. “These days, it’s obvious that half of America is either gay or has some kind of celebrated perversion. The numbers are staggering. I feel that community also let me down. They’re so big in “coming out.” Yet, they did not come out in enough numbers for me. So, no, this is loss is none of my doing.”

“Mrs. Clinton, as you know, I am a gay man,” Cooper said. “In fact, I’m so gay that I’ve won numerous awards and recognitions for my lifestyle. I think I speak on behalf of the entire LGBT community in expressing gratitude for your pioneering work on our behalf. But I’m a little confused about your claim that you are openly gay. Could you elaborate?”

“Well, as you know, Anderson, Toni Morrison referred to my husband as America’s first black president, and obviously he’s Caucasian on the surface, but there’s no question he’s a black man on the inside,” Clinton said. “I’m obviously married to a male, but given Bill’s propensity to bone anything with a pair of breasts, my heart over time has become gay, and my pantsuits are a reflection of my transgender tendencies.”

“You go girl…er, boy!” Anderson exclaimed.

“Cash me ousside, how bow dat?” Clinton said, fist bumping Anderson before she broke into a high speed twerk against his crotch.

ViagraGate: FBI Investigates Russian Rumors about Pill’s Side Effects

In an operation that began under former FBI Director James Comey, the feds are investigating allegations that Russia may have tampered with America’s use of Viagra.

At the heart of the investigation dubbed “Viagragate,” Russian agents doubling as doctors and pharmaceutical sales reps are alleged to have spread rumors that Viagra has a side effect that causes men to uncontrollably pass gas during intercourse.

“Men across the country are reported to have experienced severe flatulence during their most intimate and tender moments after ingesting even minimal doses of Viagra,” Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Acting Director Ann Schuchat, M.D. said at a recent press conference. “These gas-passing episodes produce feculent odors of the worst possible kind, causing both partners to forgo climaxing and forces them to almost immediately cease intercourse.”

“The party responsible for planting these rumors has tapped into the knowledge that psychosomatic disorders combined with a small dose of Viagra can produce dire consequences,” Schuchat said.

President Trump tweeted:

“Once again the Fake News media outlets like CNN are perpetuating information based on nothing more than hot air. Sad!”

Trump later tweeted an MTV Celebrity Grudge Match GIF with his face superimposed over Monica Lewinsky and CNN’s logo over Hillary Clinton. The president quietly removed the GIF after the Twitterspace exploded in anger. Sarah Palin also mocked Trump in a tweet that she also has since deleted, but not before the president tweeted back, “I can see your hockey mom haggard old buffalo butt from my White House!”

Sources close to the White House indicated that the FBI’s investigation “stinks of typical agenda-ridden propaganda left over from the previous administration.”

Those sources confirmed that President Trump is mulling over formally requesting Congress to investigate the FBI itself over what appears to be blatant corruption.

Speaking in anonymity, one Viagragate survivor said that his new bride left him during the second day of their honeymoon because he was unable to control his flatulence during intercourse.

“We were both married before and thought when we found each other, we found our soul mate,” he said, choking back tears. “I awoke to a note she left on her side of the bed that said, ‘As you know, my former husband had irritable bowel syndrome. Apparently, I’ve gone from the frying pan into the fire…in this case, the sulfurs from Hell’s Lake of Fire have destroyed our fledgling marriage. I am returning to my real husband and I ask that you do not fight me as I seek an annulment of ours.’”

CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Schuchat if there were any reports of gay couples who had also experienced similar side effects. Cooper was sweating profusely, dabbing his brow with a cloth, walking as if he was experiencing lower back pain.

Cooper’s face crunched into a hard squint and a loud noise cracked from his backside. An unbearable odor suddenly filled the space around him and the room quickly cleared.

“I think we have our answer,” Schuchat said as she vacated the podium, tears flowing down her cheeks as if she just bit into a freshly harvested onion.

Calls to the Russian Embassy were not returned by press time.

Trump Asks Obama to Help Rewrite Obamacare

 

Trump asks Obama to help rewrite Obamacare

President Trump has reached out to former President Obama for help in rewriting Obamacare

After winning a major victory in the U.S. House of Representatives to repeal Obamacare, President Trump is calling on his predecessor for help.

“This victory is huge, I tell you,”  Mr. Trump said. “I like huge. So we are going to make our health care legislation even huger than Obamacare. I want to jam pack new legislation into at least 5,000 pages. That’s 100 pages for each of the 50 states when you think about it. Kind of like a fair distribution of Electoral College votes. Hillary would have liked that. Maybe this will turn her frown upside down.  I want my bill so big that Congress will have to pass the thing to find out what’s in it.”

“Which is why I called on my predecessor, Barack Obama,” Trump continued. “I feel he did a fantastic job cramming content into his version. With President Obama’s experience, we should easily be able to produce five times as much as his first shot. This is going to be great, I tell you.”

“I am honored President Trump is seeking creative ways to expand my legacy,” Obama said while recently accepting the annual Profile in Courage Award at the John F. Kennedy Library in Boston.

“And it is my fervent hope that today’s members of Congress, regardless of party or sexual preference, are willing to look at the facts and speak the truth, even when it contradicts common sense,” Obama said.

After years of debate, and weekend retreats in overseas red light districts, the House voted last week to repeal and replace key parts of the Affordable Care Act.

“A lot of us waited seven years to cast this vote,” House Speaker Paul Ryan, R-Wis., said shortly before the voting began. “Many of us are here because we pledged to cast this vote: to repeal and replace Obamacare and heap self-inflicted term limits upon ourselves.”

Senate may be the showstopper 

Winning approval for the bill could be more difficult in the Senate. According to the former President, this scenario serves as precisely why his signature legislation needs to remain in place in some form.

“Surgeons by the droves who have operated on U.S. Senators have reached the same startling conclusion: Senators are spineless,” Obama said. “Missing a spine since birth is a serious preexisting condition over which no U.S. Senator should be denied treatment.”

After the vote, protesters outside the Capitol building yelled, “Fatty fatty two by four, can’t fit through the bathroom door!” at members of Congress walking down the front steps.

The bill, which would change the way the federal government funds Medicaid, will dramatically increase the number of people without health insurance if enacted into law.

“As one who believes that handicapped parking spots should be furthest from the mall entrance because those folks need more exercise, I’m A-OK if people lose government-funded insurance,” Ryan said. “It will give Americans incentive to get off the couch and go for a jog around the development.”

Memoirs of a Nation Gone Nuts: A Satirical Review of Election 2016 (New York City: Simone & Shyster, 2017)

We’re published!  Many of our blogs went viral during the 2016 Election season, generating hundreds of humorous responses on social media. We compiled the best of our blogs and the craziest posts into a hysterical 178-page book, now available on Amazon! Get your copy today!

United Airlines: Doctors Overbook Too!

Earlier this week, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz praised his staff for its involvement in forcibly removing a passenger due to the airline overbooking a flight. After an outcry across social media and a 4% drop in United’s stock value, Munoz feigned an apology to the passenger, Dr. David Dao.

“Karma is a you-know-what,” Munoz said in his apology. “Doctors overbook patients all the time, sometimes 5 or more a shot. Dr. Dao got a taste of his own medicine and now the poor baby is acting like he had an overdose.”

Regardless, United faces a P.R. crisis. Munoz is alleged to have initiated marathon discussions with his public relations team to plan how to better manage any necessary physical abuse of customers. The P.R. team is said to have quickly churned out new policies that United will immediately implement.

A press release detailed those policies as follows:

  1. United Will Continue To Overbook Doctors – Doctors always overbook patients, jamming up their waiting rooms.  “Passengers like Dr. David Dao should just shut up and take it when it’s their turn to feel what it’s like to suffer at the hand of overbooking,” Munoz said.
  1. Customers Will Be Reminded To Prepare For Overbooking – United will update its website and marketing materials to remind customers that United’s needs come first. After all, the airplanes belong to us, not the blokes who ride them. Customers who are selected for “re-accommodation” are expected to comply in an orderly and cheerful manner or bras will be snapped and knickers wedged.
  1. Customers Who Refuse To Comply With Re-Accommodation Will Receive An Initial Verbal Warning – United believes in providing customers every opportunity to peacefully re-accommodate to help United meet its needs. United employees are empowered to choose what level of verbal warning they need implement to help customers get the point. Verbal warnings may range from politely requesting customers to sacrifice their seats to more aggressively reminding them that their lives are equal to useless bags of infectious waste and they need to relinquish their seats to more important people.
  1. United Reserves The Right To Cane Non-Compliant Customers – Caning is an acceptable form of discipline in a number of countries. It serves two purposes: First, it typically brings rebellious customers into compliance. Second, it helps other customers to think twice should they be fortunate enough to be offered re-accommodation at some point. All United employees who interact with customers will receive United Caning Training ™ and will be provided whipping canes to use at their discretion.
  1. Totally Belligerent And Non-Compliant Customers Will Be Banned From Future Flights – At United, we believe people simply do not change. Customers who become belligerent and totally refuse to work with our re-accommodation specialists will be placed on United’s No-Fly List as well as referred to the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) for further harassment and abuse.

“United is the nation’s top airline for a reason,” said Munoz. “Customers who think they know how to operate an airline better than we do can just walk to their next destination. We don’t need, nor do we want their business, with the exception of the checked bag and inflated beverage fees we charge.”

Trump to Appoint Clinton as Secretary of Offense

 

Trump’s cabinet will soon include a Secretary of Offense, and the President’s former opponent Hillary Clinton is expected to take the job.

During a weekend news briefing with the White House’s official media outlets, Fox News and Breitbart News Network, Trump announced Clinton is expected to become the latest addition to his administration.

“We are developing a cabinet-level office which will be called the Department of Offense,” Trump announced. “And I believe that Secretary Clinton is the perfect nominee to head up the department.”

“This bipartisan effort will ensure that no American will suffer undue offense,” Trump said. “While my predecessor’s administration was drunk with political correctness, there in fact exists a point of decency to which every American is due. Please notice my play on the words undue and due. That is pretty clever. I thought of it myself without the help of my handlers.”

Mr. Trump said that the key to ensuring no Americans suffer undue offense is to put in place a governmental unit that will be offended on behalf of cultures, subcultures, and individuals, particularly those who are not offended to begin with.

“Hillary has a gift of knowing for whom she needs to be offended and how to make those folks realize they should be offended,” Trump said.

“I’m pleased to announce that Mrs. Clinton has accepted my personal offer to name her as Secretary of Offense,” Trump added.

When asked why Mrs. Clinton was not present for the announcement, Trump pointed out that he is following protocol he developed jointly with Mrs. Clinton on election night.

“As you recall, I announced Hillary’s concession when I beat her pantsuit off on election night,” Trump said. “I am her de facto spokesperson in such matters.”

Mrs. Clinton confirmed in a press release that she was offered the position and that she intends to make an acceptance speech from the White House Rose Garden on Good Friday.

“However, I would prefer to call Good Friday a ‘holiday’ so that nobody gets offended,” Clinton clarified.

A poll of non-Christians indicated they could not care less whether Clinton, Trump or Rod Stewart used the term “Good Friday.”

Clinton said that her first act as Secretary of Offense would be to apologize to all Americans who do not enjoy the benefits of ‘white privilege.’

“When given a high honor such as being named Secretary of Offense, you have a responsibility to make tough decisions that won’t please everyone,” Clinton said. “So, you have to be willing to offend some to ensure others who are not offended do not become offended, because if that happens, those who become offended may act out their offences and in turn could offend somebody who would otherwise never offend anybody, which would be quite patently offensive to everybody with a sense of decency relative to sensitive matters that could be deemed offensive to some.”

Sources on Capitol Hill indicate Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell intends to hold hearings to determine “what in the Sam Hill that wing-nut Clinton is talking about” before scheduling confirmation hearings.

President Trump Calls for Media Term Limits

Trump CPAC Photo

President Donald J. Trump announced at CPAC 2017 his plans to enact media term limits.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has called on Congress to establish media term limits, a maneuver seen by top political analysts as a strategic move as he advances in his war with the press.

Trump made the announcement last week to a cheering audience during Friday’s CPAC conference.

“We are going to build a legislative wall that will stop the media’s abuse of power,” the President said. “And I will make The New York Times pay for that wall.”

During the conference, Dr. Ben Carson said he agreed with the need to curtail the media. Carson also confirmed he is African-American when asked by a CPAC participant during the Q&A session.

“The power of the press is so germane to the Constitution, it is addressed in the First Amendment,” Trump said, inadvertently holding up his pocket thesaurus rather than his Bill of Rights booklet. “However, the media has clearly abused its power, and it is our responsibility as leaders of this great nation to put an end to that abuse.”

“As president, I am limited to two terms, which is very unfortunate on one hand because I am a great leader,” Trump continued. “On the other hand, it is fortunate that my predecessor was term-limited as the guy would have made not only more of a wreck of these United States, but would have made a bigger mess within White House itself. It seems like every day, we’re still finding cigarette butts, paper wads and other garbage strewn about the place from all the parties and what-not that guy hosted.”

Trump said he would send Congress a detailed proposal by March 31. Highlights from that proposal will include:

  • Political commentators: 5-10 years, whichever comes first
  • Newspaper opinion writers: 2-year terms, maximum of five terms
  • Political beat reporters: 2-year terms, maximum of two terms
  • Political round table contributors: 1-year term to be followed by immediate waterboarding

Trump also suggests that staff writers for Vox, Huffington Post, and Slate and other venues of massive fake news sources serve a mandatory five-year federal prison sentence prior to employment.

Melania Trump Withdraws First Lady Nomination

President Trump’s nominee for First Lady, Melania Trump, withdrew from consideration Wednesday amid growing resistance from a national women’s group that finds beauty patently offensive.

The collapse of Melania’s nomination threw the White House into further turmoil just days after the resignation of Trump’s national security adviser, Michael Flynn. ­Flynn had is alleged to have spoken with the Russian ambassador last year about lifting U.S. sanctions and the latest deals at an American men’s clothier, Jos. A Bank.

Although Melania is technically President Trump’s wife, she has not yet been confirmed as First Lady by the Senate. Democrats had stalled the nomination process reportedly to allow Minority Chairman Chuck Schumer (D-NY) to complete his review of semi-pornographic photos featuring Mrs. Trump.

A statement from Mrs. Trump indicated “growing impatience with the Democratic Party’s intolerance toward women of decency who refuse to parade about in hats shaped like oversized female genitalia.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) shot back, “Mrs. Trump’s pompous disregard for and acceptance of American miscreants of all kinds has no place in today’s society.”

Warren, who said she was speaking both as both a female and a male, asserted that “Melania is totally unqualified to serve as the First Lady of the United States,” and suggested that “President Trump should provide the same level of thorough vetting for candidates for the Office of First Lady as he would for those of certain foreign zip codes who wish to migrate to America.”

President Trump took to twitter to respond to Senator Warren, tweeting that, “Big Chief Pocahontas must be smoke ’em the funny stuff peace pipe again. Sad.”

Warren and Trump have long been engaged in Twitter wars since the 2016 presidential campaign. Word in the Capitol has it that Warren’s mission in engaging with Trump was to deliver messages deemed by the DNC as too nasty for Candidate Hillary Clinton to articulate.

Not all Washington insiders agree with that assessment, however. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is rumored to have commented that “Warren and Trump’s Twitter wars have given the two a valve through which they can vent the angst of unrequited love and primal desire they have for each other.”

Pat The Cat Not Sure Which Litter Box To Use

Male Cat Caught Peeing in Female’s Box

ROLLA, MISSOURI — As the national debate rages on about how equal rights should apply to the transgender community, a Siamese cat named Pat is wondering where he fits in.

“Pat the Cat,” as he is affectionately nicknamed, is neutered. The McMillan family who lives in Rolla, Missouri rescued Pat from a shelter three years ago.

While tearing up the newspaper, Pat the Cat saw an article about whether transgendered high school students should be permitted to use whichever restroom or locker room they please.

Distracted by a bird that flew by the kitchen window, Pat the Cat left the shredded newspaper on the floor for the McMillans to clean up as he perched on the counter to watch his prey.

Pat is the only neutered pet of the McMillan’s five cats. The other cats consist of two males and two females, one of which is pregnant.

A few hours later, Pat had to pee. His tail erect, he made his way to the litter box underneath the stairs. Pat had gravitated toward that box since he was adopted, as did the other two male cats. The female cats typically used the litter box in the laundry room.

As he rounded the corner, it hit Pat like a whiff of catnip: Pat became super-aware that he no longer had some of his male parts.

Pat the Cat became confused.

“Pat began scratching at the door to go out like our dog Simon,” said Trey McMillan, Pat’s owner. “It took us awhile to catch on, but after watching Pat for a few days, we noticed he would not use his own litter box. He also started pacing back and forth in front of the girl cats’ litter box, so we called the vet.”

Rolla Animal Hospital referred the McMillans to a nearby pet psychologist who quickly determined Pat was suffering from an identity crisis.

“Because your cat is neutered, she feels that she is now a female, and therefore should be using the female litter box,” said Dr. Keaton.

“You mean ‘he’,” Mr. McMillan said, correcting the doctor.

“No, I meant ‘she’,” the doctor replied. “Your family needs to accept Pat’s change in life regardless of what her birth certificate says. Begin by referring to Pat as “her” and “she.” Have a talk with your family and the other cats about acceptance and love.

“We just didn’t know what we didn’t know,” McMillan told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “Our family has always been very accepting of others, basically because we are spineless. But standing for nothing always got us by. Better to go with the flow than get your nose punched in.”

Holding back tears, Cooper told the McMillans that he too sometimes questions his identity and was proud of the family for being so tolerant of Pat the Cat’s life change.

While the McMillans quickly accepted Pat’s new identity, the other cats were not ready to do so.

Miffie, the pregnant cat, protested that if Pat were allowed to tinkle about the girl’s litter box, there would be nothing to prevent other male cats from doing the same.

“Devious tomcats will pretend they believe they are girl cats trapped inside male bodies so they can get access to our kittens,” she meowed.

The American Trans-Pussy Cat Association issued a statement rebuffing Miffie’s complaint.
“There is no evidence pointing to the fact that males will pretend to feel they are trans-pussies so they can get into kitties’ boxes,” the statement read. “The kind of hatred espoused by Miffie can no longer be tolerated.”

The Trans-Pussy lobby is supporting legislation that will mandate harsh criminal penalties for anyone who tries to keep male cats out of female pussycat facilities “under the guise of protecting mother cats and their young.”

BREAKING NEWS: JILL STEIN WANTS SUPER BOWL RECOUNT

Green Party Leader Says Game Was Rigged

HOUSTON–Well, there she goes again. Former Green Party presidential candidate Dr. Jill Stein is demanding a recount of Super Bowl LI, in which the New England Patriots defeated the Atlanta Falcons 34-28.

Holding a press conference outside the NRG Stadium in Houston, Texas, Stein expressed concerns about whether the referees were influenced by the Russians as they made their calls.

“Atlanta had a 28-3 lead midway through the third quarter,” Stein said. “There is no way the so-called Patriots are the real winners.”

“The  American people have seen far too many shenanigans in how scores are tabulated in important events,” Stein said. “With Trump in the White House, I’m super-concerned that the outcome of the Super Bowl has been rigged, especially with a bogus overtime maneuver that never happened in the history of the Super Bowl.”

President Trump was quick to issue a statement.

“This call for yet another recount is just a way for Jill Stein, who received less than one percent of the presidential vote overall and wasn’t even on the ballot in many states, to fill her coffers with money, most of which she will never even spend on this ridiculous recount,” Trump said.

He continued, “This is a scam by the Green Party. The results of this Super Bowl should be respected instead of being challenged and abused, which is exactly what Jill Stein is doing.”

Stein replied that the President’s remarks are “hogwash” and “reflect the insecurities of a man with little hands and other particular organs.”

In other news, angry protesters in Atlanta were seen with picket signs that said, “NOT MY SUPER BOWL CHAMPS.”

Brokaw on Millennials: Dumbest Generation

tom_brokaw_01

In light of what he calls “Campus Crybabies”–college students mourning Clinton’s loss–legendary news anchor, journalist and best-selling author Tom Brokaw announced today that he has signed a multimillion dollar deal with Random House Books.

Random House said in a statement that the book will serve as a sequel to The Greatest Generation, and will be based on “Millennials” and the role they play in reshaping American History.

Millennials are Dumb

“The manuscript’s working title is The Dumbest Generation, which I believe will remain as the permanent title as it is fitting in so many regards,” Brokaw said in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“Although this has been in the works since the summer, I’ve been mostly inspired by the ‘Campus Crybabies’ who cannot accept Trump won the election,” Brokaw said.

“This breakdown is clearly a reflection on Millennials’ lack of values. For example, Anderson, you received widespread acceptance when you announced you are gay, correct?” Brokaw asked Cooper.

“Correct, the Millennials tweeted me congratulations to the moon and back,” Cooper replied with a slight blush. “In fact, I earned a Certificate of Merit signed by Barack and Michelle Obama for my work in letting people know I prefer naked men to women of any kind.”

“And that’s one of the key points of my upcoming book,” Brokaw continued. “As we see in my book the Greatest Generation, America’s greatest moments and victories were the result of us standing together united through moral principles. Fast-forward a few decades and you announce you’re a flaming homosexual and the not only did the Millennials come out of the woodwork to praise you, the President of the United States and the First Lady gave you a certificate of merit.”

“Your point is?” Cooper asked.

“My point is you’re a celebrated queer, and such outward rebellion against our most important principles indicate a clear shift of America’s morals and our impending global decline,” Brokaw said.

“You know if we weren’t taping right now, I’d have half a mind of slamming you where the sun doesn’t shine,” Cooper said.

“Well it’s good to see that you still have some manliness about you, but good luck to you and your so-called ‘partner’ in getting pregnant,” Brokaw said

“That leads us to our next topic,” Brokaw said.

“Hold on a minute! I’m conducting this interview!” Cooper said.

“You’re right, and I beg your pardon. After so many years of being on top of the ratings while you jockeyed backstage humping producers’ legs, I kind of forgot the baton has been passed and that it’s now your turn. I’m just a little concerned what kind of plans you have for the baton if you know what I mean,” Brokaw said.

“That’s a good one,” laughed Cooper. “In honor of your service to our industry, I’ll go ahead and defer the next question to you.”

Brokaw on Transgenders

“Thanks, Anderson,” Brokaw said. “What is your position on transgenders using public bathrooms that correspond to which gender they feel inside—another right Millennials believe in?”

“I might be gay, but I’m not a nut, and I’m also not writing your damn book, mind you,” Cooper said. “But I got to say this: can you imagine walking into a men’s room at Target and some big fat lady is squatting over a urinal like a dog peeing on a fence?”

“You said it before you read it!” Brokaw chuckled, patting Cooper on the knee.

Brokaw and Anderson Agree Millennials are Hopeless

As the conversation moved passed sexuality, the two journalists displayed more common feelings towards Millennials and their belief systems.

“Tom, why do you suppose so many Millennial males sport unkempt hair, scraggly beards, or ‘man buns’ and correspondingly, Millennial women sport unwashed hair and wear yoga pants regardless of how much cellulite is left free to jiggle?” Cooper said.

“You articulate it very well,” Brokaw said. “A radical outward shift in style often indicates a culture’s shift in beliefs, values, and morals. There is no question that much of what made post-war America great as demonstrated in The Greatest Generation has been rejected and negated by Millennials, whom we can rightfully label the Dumbest Generation as proved by their belief that:

  • Water comes from bottles
  • Taking selfies is not photography; it’s an act of art
  • People over 18 without tattoos suffer serious physical and mental defects
  • The number of “likes” one receives per social media post is indicative of his or her self-worth

Millennials Impact on the Future 

“What do you suppose this means for the future generations, especially the generation Millennials will spawn?” Cooper asked.

“Every generation worries about the next, but somehow we seem to figure it out, survive, and make great advancements,” said Brokaw. “But what we are witnessing this time is something far different than a natural evolution. Before Hillary and Wasserman Schultz stole the primary from him, Senator Sanders coined it right: this is a revolution. Think about it—this is a generation born in a time of unprecedented prosperity. Millennial children were spoiled senseless—pampered and babied by parents and even their educators. ”

“By God, it takes a village to mother a millennial!” Brokaw added.

“That leaves us with an important question,” Cooper said. “Now that the Millennials are taking over the workforce, can we rightfully expect them to suddenly become responsible engaged citizens in a self-governing land once they reach voting age?”

“It is obvious they cannot,” Brokaw concluded. “This generation of spoiled ding-dongs will lead to a civil war that will forever change the world, outlaw any food with GMOs, and require government-subsidized tattoos and condoms for anyone earning less than someone they know.”

Schumer wants Irish, Italian, and Indians on Travel Ban

Schumer calls for stronger travel ban

NEW YORK — A tearful Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is urging President Trump to add Irish, Italian and Indian nationals to the U.S. Travel ban.

“It has long been an established fact that the Irish are boisterous drunks who often start barroom brawls,” Schumer said. “There can be no question that undocumented Irishmen significantly contribute to domestic terrorism.”

Schumer added that the Irish are often behind police corruption.

“Look at the police in New York City,” Schumer said. “Every time a Mc-something is in charge of the force, you can bet there is bribery and extortion going on somewhere. And, the Irish cannot be trusted. There is no question we have enough of those redheads in this country. We don’t need more.”

“Then you have those Italians,” Schumer added, bursting into song:

“DAY-GO, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY, Greasy DAY-GO….Dago comes, slaps his chick and goes home…If her brother’s upstate for about six to eight, that’s a dago….!”

Being brought back on queue by one of his staffers, Schumer cleared his throat and said, “When a guy’s name ends with a vowel, trouble is not far. Believe me, the mafia is alive and well, and I am certain the President will agree with me. Those Italians are nothing but trouble, what with their gangs, drug lords, and forcing honest Oriental merchants to pay protection money. These guys need to be thoroughly vetted and bathed a few times before we let them into our country!”

The Senate Minority Leader finally turned the conversation to Indians.

“Indians just look guilty,” Schumer said. “I’m not sure what it is they’ve done, but their faces give them away. Have you ever seen an Indian that doesn’t have that guilty look?”

“Besides, ever get stuck behind a clan of them at the farmers market?” Schumer asked. “They’re always bargaining, trying to get a better deal. It’s a silent but deadly attack on our economy. And why do they all have to go to the market together? For Pete’s sake, who is guarding the village?”

In closing, Schumer again encouraged President Trump to include the Irish, Italians, and Indians on the U.S. travel ban list, before breaking down into uncontrollable sobs.

Domestic Violence Surge After Women’s March

Police departments across the nation have reported a surge in domestic violence calls since Saturday’s Women’s March. Several metropolitan area 911 Centers experienced outages causing callers to receive busy signals and dropped calls.

Of the calls that did make it through, an unusually high percentage was from men who were beaten by their wives or live-in lovers.

“These perpetrators had attended Saturday’s anti-man march, many of which were fueled by alcohol or fermented smoothies,” said Texas’s Harris County Sheriff Department “Top Cop” Sheldon Smith.

“In one case it took four of our sheriffs to bring one gal into compliance,” Smith said. “She kept screaming things such as ‘In the unholy and cursed name of our High Priestess Madonna, fu@! you!” and “Get your hands off my pussy hat, you two-inch pen!$.”

Hundreds of bearded men in their 20s who shack up with yoga-practicing millennial women ended up in emergency rooms across the country according to fake news site CNN. Of those, dozens were kept overnight in Intensive Care Units for matters ranging from further observation to life support.

Equally astonishing were the numbers of women who were incarcerated or admitted into mental health institutions for committing extreme acts of violence.

Former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton released a media statement that seemed to support the rising violence against men due to the marches.  In the statement, Clinton reinforced her misandrous quote to women that “we are stronger together.”

Clinton’s daughter Chelsea has been reported to have slammed her husband Marc Mezvinsky “in the nads.” Mezvinsky is a practicing liberal and self-avowed feminist, but both he and Chelsea agreed the move was necessary to demonstrate their support for recognizing women as the head of nature’s order. Mezvinsky may also have been a willing participant due to his affection for prescription narcotics, which the Clinton family doctor is known to freely prescribe when any of the men suffer spousal abuse.

Elizabeth Warren Says She is a Man, Mulls 2020 Presidential Run

Senator says, "I don't know what I am, a woman or a man..."

SPRINGFIELD, MA – Dec 2: Elizabeth Warren speaks during the 2016 Massachusetts LGBT Convention, held at the MassMutual Center in Springfield. (Photo by Aram Boghosian/The Boston Globe via Getty Images)

As President Trump begins his first full day in the Oval Office, U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Massachusetts) has begun her path to becoming the 2o2o Democratic presidential nominee.

Her platform?

Warren announced she is a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

“I do not consider myself a lesbian or transsexual, it’s just some kind of biological thing,” Warren said. “And, I really have no sexual desire at all. I just am.”

“I consider it a gift,” Warren continued. “Being top heavy on the testosterone side gave me the strength to battle Trump on Twitter.”

Warren said due to her facial and vocal composure people often mistake her for being male.

“I’m used to it,” Warren said. “Wherever I travel people greet me as Mr. Warren, phone operators call me ‘sir’, and my husband sleeps in the other room.”

Warren is a strong advocate for the LGBTQ community. She sees her manliness as advantageous when reaching out to that group.

“Being a lady that looks like a dude has its advantages, especially as you know the ladies room line is longer at ball games,” Warren said. “So I just skedaddle on over to the men’s room, grab a stall, and squat. Nobody knows the difference otherwise.”

Elizabeth Warren Accused of Holding a “Publicity Stunt”

Rightwing theorists such as Breibart News were quick to condemn Warren’s remarks as an attempt to help Bruce “Caitlyn Jenner” renegotiate his contract after his show “I am Cait” was canceled. Several news sources and polling agencies indicated people were just too grossed out over a former male who is a presumed Olympic star and confirmed cereal box hero parading around as a lady.

“This whole tranny thing has gone too far and I’m glad to see that America is slowly returning to normality,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said during an interview with Fox News.

McConnell represents Kentucky, one of the few states in which whipping gays tied to telegraph poles remains legal.

McConnell let out a belly laugh when asked about Warren’s recent announcement.

“I’m not going to comment on that nut’s publicity stunt,” McConnell said. “Hillary used Lizzie up and then threw her away when she named that chubby guy from Virginia as her VP candidate. Warren is nothing more than an attention-seeking missile. She will say or do anything to keep herself in the press, especially now that she has her eye on running against President Trump in 2020. Next thing you know she’ll claim she still gets her period.”

A statement from Warren’s office referred to McConnell as “a rightwing evangelical douchebag who’s heading toward a nervous breakdown because he’s about to lose his job when the Democrats sweep the senate in 2018.”

McConnell replied, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, and Warren’s face will always hurt me.”

Trump to be Sworn In as President Using Koran, and his Own Bible

When Donald Trump is sworn in on Inauguration Day, he will take the oath using two holy books: the Koran, plus his own Bible.

The president-elect’s Bible dates back to childhood, according to the Presidential Inaugural Committee, which announced more details of Friday’s swearing-in on Tuesday.

The Bible was given to Trump by his mother when he graduated from Sunday Church Primary School at First Presbyterian Church in the Queens, New York, neighborhood of Jamaica in 1955 — just days before he turned 9 years old.

The coffee-stained paperback Koran Trump intends to use was purchased online from a discount used bookseller for $1.50.  His secretary made the purchase during a lunch break last week. She also purchased a used copy of the Koran For Dummies to help the President-elect get up to speed on the basics of radical Islamic scripture.

The inaugural committee’s chairman said Trump was “humbled” to have his own Bible, as well as the Koran, included in his swearing-in ceremony.

“My predecessor President Obama was clearly a Muslim, and I intend to show deference and respect to him as well to all highly vetted Muslim-Americans,” Trump said.

When a member of the press pool challenged Mr. Trump to prove Obama was a Muslim, the President-elect quickly put the question to rest.

“Look, when I was in Sunday school, we were taught not to be professing Christians, but rather to let our light shine so that people would know we were in the fold,” Trump said. “President Obama has not overtly said he was a Muslim, but it was obvious from the get-go that that guy in fact was. One of the first things he did on his Apology Tour after being elected was head over to Arab nations and bow to sheiks and swamis. His whole damned presidency was about appeasing Muslims and I’m trying to show a little bit of respect to his legacy before I cancel out everything he accomplished during his presidency.”

Trump’s oath of office will be administered by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, who is expected to remain sober for the event.

Vice President-elect Mike Pence, meanwhile, will take the oath using the Reagan family Bible, the inaugural committee announced over the weekend.

“President Ronald Reagan placed his faith in a loving God and the goodness of our country. He set out to change a nation and in doing so, he changed the world. In the march of history, Ronald Reagan’s time in office was limited, but his legacy inspired a generation and will continue beyond,” Pence said in a statement.

The Democratic National Committee responded to Pence in a one-word tweet: “Hogwash.”

Clinton: Trump Will Be A Great President

Former Opponent Says Trump Won Election "Fair and Square"

Chappaqua, NY–Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told the press that “Trump will be a great president,” during a fireside chat in one of her luxurious Chappaqua home sitting rooms, where she often pontificates the plight of those who lack “White Privilege.”

“Furthermore, Donald won the election fair and square,” she added. “It’s time we stop whining and start winning by acting as a united nation, not a divided menagerie. We could have changed the law regarding the Electoral College 16 years ago, but we did nothing. That’s what cost me the election. Not James Comey. Not the Russians. Not ‘fake news.’ Not Mariah Carey.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta asked Clinton, “Mrs. Clinton, why the 180? The change of heart? This makes no sense relative to what you’ve been saying since your loss.”

“Jim, why don’t you shut your bloody mouth?” Clinton said. “I think we all can agree Donald has silenced your fake news-generating butt and you better do as told.”

Clinton took a softer tone in a separate interview with Anderson Cooper due to her long-term commitment of one year not to insult homosexuals.

“It boils down to this, Anderson,” she said. “Most people who see this article are going to flap their gums after reading only the headline. They’re too lazy to read the article and will trust the headline to tell the whole story. Half of those idiots will forward it to all their friends on social media, expecting them to do the reading.”

“You don’t say,” Cooper said.

“I do say,” Clinton said.

“A bunch of headline readers who think they’re so clever will post stuff like, ‘I call B.S.’ or ‘Fake News’!” Clinton continued. “The deplorables will blame my supporters and post something about ‘libtards'”, a very intelligent remark itself. And my supporters and abortionists will post something hateful about Trump’s people making up more lies.”

Clinton then took a swipe at those who read past the headline.

“Of those who read past the headline, a number will also claim the article is fake news because they are too stupid to know the difference between satire, which is humor, and fake news, which is fabricated lies meant to harm,” Clinton said.

“Hundreds will hit the “like” button or some other emoticon little people use to express themselves along with those who comment, sending this article viral,” Clinton said. “Of those, maybe 10 will actually take the time to read it.”

“So you see, dear reader, who made it this far,” Clinton said, “Perhaps this is why I lost the election. Perhaps this is why the Russians and other foreign governments so easily hacked into my server when I was Secretary of State. And perhaps this is why the rest of the world hates us: we are a nation of jackasses.”

“Given that he will be governing a nation of such simpletons, there is no question that Trump will make a great president,” Clinton said. “He can only go up from here.”

Michelle Obama for Supreme Court? Trump says “Maybe”

First Ladies Meet and Greet

One of President-elect Donald J. Trump’s top post-inaugural priorities is to fill the vacancy on the Supreme Court created by the late Justice Antonin Scalia’s death. Earlier today, Mr. Trump confirmed that First Lady Michelle Obama is on his short list of possible nominees.

“Mrs. Obama is very, very qualified to serve on the United States Supreme Court,” Trump said. “I like her a lot. Melania and the First Lady really hit it off. They like each other. It was wonderful watching them cackling away as excited women tend to do.”

“We’ve confirmed that Michelle’s birth certificate clearly indicates she was born in the United States, which I think is important,” Trump continued. “She’s a very good woman.”

Sources indicate that Trump’s post-election White House visit had a positive impact on his opinions of the Obamas.

“They’re nice people, those Obamas,” Trump said. “While I am committed to taking much fewer vacations than the Obamas enjoyed over the past eight years, I look forward to a round or two of golf with Barrack. He’s a great guy.”

Melania Trump expressed similar sentiments.

“For the first time in my adult lifetime, I’m really proud of the Obamas,” Mrs. Trump said. “Not just because Donald has done well, but because I think people are hungry for change, including the Obamas.”

Mr. Trump said that Mrs. Obama’s youth and vitality will inject life and excitement into the Supreme Court.

“I think the court is kind of dismal, almost like a hospital waiting room,” Trump said. “They’re pretty much a negative bunch and I don’t like negative. I believe we can count on Michelle to go high when those other ones go low.”

“Add to that she’s a sharp looking gal,” Trump continued. “She’s got great triceps and there’s no question she will fill out her judicial robes very nicely. Contrast that to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and those other two gals, and I think you’ll get my point.”

The Office of the First Lady did not return our calls by press time.